


Wish

by stupidthinker



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Lots of talking about death, M/M, No they're not suicide or murder, Past Character Death, Past Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Thinking I should've warned you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-14 19:24:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidthinker/pseuds/stupidthinker
Summary: Jaebum had been dreaming about someone he didn't know, and it was driving him crazy. And his world started to turn again when the stranger suddenly appeared in front of him, solid and real.





	1. Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Back again with an angst this time :D It's only been a short while since I posted my last fic. There are just too many ideas in my mind, I'll go crazy if I don't try to finish them as soon as possible, one by one. Compared to my last fic which was a fluff with a very little angst, this is the opposite. I just hope I could slip many fluffy scenes between the angst so I won't get too depressed while writing this fic T_T Enjoy reading, I hope you like it :))

Jaebum’s eyes snapped open, like they were about to jump out of their sockets. He was gasping for breath, his heart seemed like it was being crumpled. He felt sweat beaded on his temples, streaming down to his hair. His eyes watered from the pain, though he didn’t know the source, and he rubbed it away harshly.

He didn’t even know who the boy was, yet he already appeared in his dreams four times since the start of this month, and woke him up the same way. There was always the same face he couldn’t match with any name he remembered, staring up at him from where the boy was lying limp. His hair was sticking on his forehead, glued by sweat and blood. A wide stain of red darkened the grey asphalt where his head lied, with traces of the white snowflakes sprinkled all around. Like the stranger, Jaebum didn’t move, he couldn’t. He was trapped by the other’s gaze, lost in the labyrinth of meanings he couldn’t decipher. The moment that seemed to have been frozen in time except for the falling snow was broken by the movement of the boy’s pale lips, slowly trembling to open. Jaebum could barely catch on the faint sound that was muttered out of his mouth, but strangely he understood clearly what he was saying.

He was calling his name. And that was when Jaebum woke up.

He had only dismissed it as a mere nightmare the first time it happened, but when it continued to appear he couldn't thought that way anymore. Was it a scene from a movie he watched? No, he couldn't recall watching a movie with that scene and that actor. Or was he seeing the future of someone? But why was he seeing the future of someone he didn't even know? Or maybe, as Jaebum had hoped from the deepest of his heart that it was just a passing dream without any meaning, though it faded the more that dream appeared.

He was baffled and feeling grim. No one would feel nothing after seeing the scene of someone's possible death moment, especially something that tragic, over and over again. It was more likely that the boy was involved in a traffic accident, seeing how he was lying in the middle of the road. And he was calling his name.

Again, why? Why was he calling his name? Did Jaebum actually know the boy? Maybe he actually made acquaintance with him somewhere and forgot him? Or is he someone he knew when he was a kid that had changed through the years he didn't recognize him anymore? But somehow he felt that the possibilities for those reasons were nearly zero. He was really sure he had never seen the boy before.

His frantic train of thought was broken when there was a force pressuring his chest. He smiled when a pair of blue eyes entered his sight, his hand moved to brush the owner's silky fur as she meowed. "What, are you already hungry, Nora? This early?"

Nora meowed louder. Jaebum chuckled, his nightmare forgotten for a while. "Alright, alright. Let me get myself out of bed first."

He set his feet on the floor, stretching his body. The dream always left him feeling tired despite the sleep he had. He walked to the shelf where he stored Nora's food. He poured it in her bowl and squatted down to put it in front of her, watching fondly as she purred when he stroked her head. A peaceful morning, if not for the way he was woken up. He sighed before standing up and preparing to take a shower.

 

\--

 

Jaebum barely made it to the class before the professor came, thanks to him having to look for the left pair of his shoes that was hidden by Nora right when he was about to go. He quickly sat and dropped his head on the desk, trying to catch his breath. He could hear Mark's failed attempt to stifle his laugh from beside him. He looked at his friend with a frown.

"Always delighted to see someone's misery, aren't you?"

"Why? It's interesting," Mark said, contrasted to the innocent smile that was hanging on his face. Yeah, what did you expect from someone who spent his time watching shows where people was pranking others? Jaebum just managed to let out a dry laugh filled with sarcasm before his professor greeted the class.

The class ended three hours later. Mark was rushing to gather his stuff under Jaebum's amused stare. "So eager to see your dear darling Jackson, Mark?" Jaebum teased, earning himself a pair of rolling eyes before Mark dashed out of the class. He shook his head, still in disbelief that Mark was now dating Jackaon when it was him that introduced them to each other. Well, it was a given since Mark was the most quiet person he ever met, while Jackson was the noisiest. Well, Mark laughed the most when he was with Jackson, so maybe that's why.

He knew Mark since their high school days, and had been best friend since. The silence with Mark was comforting, and he liked his bluntness. Jaebum admitted that he was a straightforward person himself, but Mark was on another level. He often told what he thought even when it could hurt others. Others might resent him for it, but Jaebum thought it was his strong point. The strength to carry the burden of hurting others from delivering a harsh truth rather than hiding or sugarcoating it.

And about Jackson, he knew him since they both played basketball at the university, though in different team because they were from different department. Sometimes their teams had unofficial sparring, that was how they become close. The first time Mark met Jackson was when he watched the match where both Jaebum’s and Jackson’s teams played, though not having a face-off yet. When Jaebum introduced them to each other, he didn’t suppose they would become a couple five months later since they were too different. But they did anyway.

While Mark was black and white, always clear on what was wrong and right, Jackson was yellow and blue. He was always a bright and funny, a chatterbox. He was an easygoing person, easy to be with. But sometimes there were moments where he was serious, sensitive, and insecure. That was one of the reasons why he confessed to Mark. Jackson had once told Jaebum that Mark eased his insecurities, because he knew he only said the truth. He didn’t have to ponder whether there was any other meaning on what he said, and being with him made him felt peaceful. They completed each other with their differences, and it was heartwarming to see.

Jaebum walked out of the class thinking what he should eat for lunch when an unfamiliar voice stopped him in his track, calling him. He turned around, and nothing could ever prepare him to see the person that had been haunting his dreams here, in his real life.

The boy was walking hesitantly to him, yet all he saw was him lying in the middle of the road. The boy was looking at him shyly, yet he was trapped again in the labyrinth of meanings he was in last night. The boy was giving him a faint smile, yet his mind was filled with the trembling lips, mouthing his name.

He snapped back to the present when he felt a gentle grip on his upper arm. He let out a ragged breath, realizing he had been holding his breath the whole time. When his eyes were finally able to focus on reality again, he found the other staring at him with concerned gaze.

"Are you okay?" The boy asked softly. Jaebum tried to steady his breath before stuttering an 'I'm okay'. Jaebum took a deep breath, calming himself down.

“Are you really okay?” The other asked again, voice laced by worry. Jaebum nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay. Do you need something from me?”

The person in front of him nervously shifted his gaze down, fidgeting. Red started blooming on his cheeks, spreading to his ears. “Er, yeah. You probably don’t know me. My name is Jinyoung, from literature department. I have something to give you.”

Jinyoung slide the strap of his backpack off of his right shoulder and reached to open the zipper of the front pocket. He took out a plain white medium-sized envelope and gave it to Jaebum. Confused and curious, Jaebum accepted it.

“Please read it. Thank you.” And he left, leaving Jaebum standing alone on the corridor, still dumbfounded. He still couldn’t believe he just met and talked with the boy he had only seen in his dream. Moreover, he approached him first, and apparently he knew Jaebum. He didn’t know what to do, or what to feel. There was so much going on his mind right now, his head started to hurt. So he chose to listen to his growling stomach and forget the problematic envelope for now, trying to reorganize his mind before thinking about it again.

It wasn’t until that night, after a dinner he couldn’t remember the taste of since he couldn’t focus on his meal, that he steeled his heart and anxiously opened the envelope. He was sitting on his bed, his back leaned on the headboard. There was a letter inside. And the content was something he would never expect.

_‘Hello, I’m Park Jinyoung. And I love you, Im Jaebum._

_I know it’s lame to write something like this, but I can’t find any other way, and I know I’m such a coward for not having the courage to say it straight at you. I just want to tell you my feelings. I know you might find it creepy to get something like this from a stranger. You can just throw this letter away and forget it, but if you feel like giving me a response, I’ll be waiting at the coffee shop near the campus at 3. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to._

_Thank you for reading this letter.’_

Jaebum was taken aback by the confession. From many things the letter could contain about, he would never expect this. Now he got more things to think about. What should he do?

He wouldn’t accept his confession, of course, like what he always did when someone confessed to him since years ago. It was only bothered him more since Jinyoung was someone who kept appearing in his dream, dying, even though he didn’t know if it was just a dream or something that would really happen in the future. And it made him felt some kind of guilt to reject him.

However, accepting his confession wasn’t an option either. It would only hurt both of them. He definitely wouldn’t be able to love Jinyoung like he did to Jaebum, he had lost the ability for that long time ago. He still could, however, feel attached to someone like he did to Mark and Jackson. And if Jinyoung really died, it would still hurt him greatly. He knew that feeling well. Moreover, even if it was just a dream, it happened too often and he might still see it in the future. It was already hard for him to see how a stranger died in his dreams, he wouldn’t be able to bear it if it was someone dear to him. It would be better to stay away before he grew fond of him.

 

\--

 

Jaebum woke up with the same state he was in the morning before. However, it was a different dream he had, a dream he hadn’t had since a year ago.

It was Choi Youngjae, coldly staring at him with accusing stare. There was no trace of his dazzling smile anywhere in his face, the smile Jaebum had loved so much. It didn’t change no matter how much Jaebum pleaded for forgiveness in tears. Then Youngjae turned and walked away, leaving him.

Youngjae had been his sunshine, and Jaebum was left alone in the darkness when he was gone. It happened during his second year of high school. They had a big fight, Youngjae was storming out in anger, and the morning after he was told of the news. That his sun was no more.

He spent the years after in regrets. That it was his fault Youngjae died. If he had made Youngjae happy, they wouldn’t have fought. If Youngjae hadn’t left in anger, he wouldn’t have crossed the road recklessly. That Youngjae died unhappy because of him. They were the regrets that would forever be nagging in the back of his mind.

It was those that made him couldn’t love anyone the way he loved Youngjae. He couldn’t forgive himself, and he couldn’t even ask for forgiveness from Youngjae. He would never ever be forgiven, and he had no right to love anyone else anymore. He didn’t deserve that happiness.

He looked to his left, at the opened letter on his nightstand. Today he was about to make someone who hurt again. And when his dream of him dying became true, he might live in regrets again. For only giving Jinyoung the memories of being hurt when he knew he might not life long enough to find happiness after getting his heart broken. And he had to go through the pain just because he loved someone incapable to feel love again. Just because he loved _him._

Then a thought crossed his mind. What if he stayed by Jinyoung’s side? What if he tried his best to bring him happiness, something he hadn’t been able to give Youngjae? What if he could finally let someone left with happiness, unlike how Youngjae left with the wound he had inflicted in his heart? Maybe then he could atone for his mistakes. Maybe then he wouldn't regret it so much. Maybe then he might feel like Youngjae could forgive him, even just a little. Maybe then he could feel like forgiving himself.

He knew he was using Jinyoung for his own selfishness. His own relief. But Jaebum was tired of living in regrets. He was tired of feeling his worn out heart always dragging on his feet. If there were any way to stop or at least ease it, he would do anything. And this might just the way he needed. The only thing he should do was hiding the fact that he would never be able to love Jinyoung, not even anyone else. He just had to act like he could. And he was great at those, both hiding and acting, after all these years pretending he was fine, so that his family and friends wouldn’t be worried, and succeeded.

So he showed up at the coffee shop that afternoon. He sat across the surprised Jinyoung and said, "Hey." The other boy didn't reply, he just stared at him without saying anything. After what seemed like a long stillness, Jinyoung gave him a faint smile, shy and hesitant.

"I didn't expect you to come."

"Well, I'm here now."

"Yeah. Thank you. I'm so glad you come."

Silence veiled around them again, filled with nervousness. Jaebum was busy with his mind, and Jinyoung was playing with the ear of his cup. Jaebum suddenly sighed heavily, startling Jinyoung.

“So… Do you want to go out with me?” Jaebum finally asked, straight to the point. He could see how the other got dumbfounded by his question by the way his eyes widen, his mouth gaped. It would be funny if not for the nervousness that tightened in the air around him.

“W-what?”

“Do you want to go out with me?” Jaebum repeated his question. Jinyoung shook his head. “No, I hear your question clearly. It’s just… It’s just…”

“What, you don’t want to? Don’t you like me? Or is that letter a prank?”

Jinyoung frantically waved his hands in panic. “No! Of course not! I really, really like you. It’s just… It’s too sudden. I didn’t even expect you to come here. And when you came, I thought you would just reject me and go. But now you’re asking me to be your boyfriend. There are too many unexpected things and I’m so overwhelmed right now. Are you sure you’re not the one playing a prank to me?”

“No, I’m serious.” Jaebum said with unwavering certainty.

Tears started to fall on Jinyoung’s cheek, alarming Jaebum. “Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?”

Jinyoung sniffled, but he was smiling brightly. “No, I’m just too happy. Oh God, I feel like my heart about to burst.”

Jaebum returned the smile, and he moved his hand across the table to hold Jinyoung’s, giving him reassuring stroke.

“So what’s your answer?”

“Do you still need to ask? Of course it’s yes!” Jinyoung said, making a shocked face. Jaebum laughed.

“Now let me introduce myself.” Jaebum said, pulling his hand. “You might’ve known me already since you confessed to me, but let me do this properly. My name is Im Jaebum. I studied film. I’m from Ilsan, and I’m the first born of two. Please take care of me.”

Jinyoung wiped his tears from his cheek and smiled again, brighter than before. Only now Jaebum noticed the crinkles formed on the corner of his eyes whenever he smiled. “Again, my name is Park Jinyoung, from literature department. I was born in Busan, and I’m the last child of three. Please take care of me.”

They looked at each other with a smile on their face, and Jaebum had already felt fond of this boy. It surprised him how fast Jinyoung made him that way. _It’s okay,_ he thought, _it’s a consequence I have to take on. At least even if it’s painful when he was gone, I won’t feel regret anymore. It’s okay._

_I can do this._


	2. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updating after two months, sorry DX I'll try updating regularly and faster from now on, just like my other stories. Hope you enjoy this chapter :D

“So, how did you know about me?” Jaebum asked, watching the subject of his question getting flustered to the question as his cheeks slowly dyed in red. He had been curious about that. It had been about two weeks since they started dating, and they were sitting in the same coffee shop as back then. It had become their unofficial meeting place before going whenever they planned to spend the rest of their day together.

Jaebum effortlessly acted his part as a boyfriend. It was easy imagining himself falling for the other boy. Jinyoung was nice, sweet, and honest. He was always forward with his feelings despite being a quiet person, though not as much as Mark. He didn't say anything about it, it just showed in his eyes, his gestures, everything. Whether it was because he was quiet in nature, or he was just shy around him since he seemed to blush easily whenever he was with Jaebum. And when he did, it creeped all the way to his ears. Jaebum couldn't help but thinking it was cute.

"My friend... he dragged me to watch the university's basketball tournament, saying I should stop confining myself in the library surrounded by books, feel the sunlight against my skin and breathe the fresh air, all those bullshit. He said I would understand the thrill of watching sport tournament and get addicted if I did. He was right, I did feel the thrill and get addicted, but it was a different thrill, and what I got addicted with wasn't the match, it was you," Jinyoung said, his eyes casted down at his fidgeting fingers. His face was even redder than before and his lips formed a sheepish smile. "I tried to find out more about you afterward. Turned out you were kinda popular that it was a wonder how I never knew about you before, making it an easy task. Thanks for being such a hot, fierce, capable, and charismatic captain, Im Jaebum. You do me a favor."

Jaebum laughed at that. He was aware that many people notice him, but no one ever threw it on his face like that. Jinyoung always did wonder with his cheekiness, an attempt to hide his embarrassment while his face never failed to gave him away, something Jaebum found amusing.

"You owe me one, then. You have to pay for it."

"What do you want?"

"Hmm... I can't think of anything right now. I'll tell you when I have something in my mind."

Jinyoung sighed. "It has a due date, so you better be fast."

Jaebum faked a shocked and hurt expression, which Jinyoung laughed to. "What? I never imagine you as such a petty person!"

"Just be considerate with me, I'm just an ordinary, poor literature student, unlike the mighty Im Jaebum. Please take a pity on me."

Jaebum grinned. "Alright, this mighty Im Jaebum will try to bless you with his kindness. Now, shall we go? The movie is about to start."

"Okay."

They left their seat and went outside. The mellow light of the autumn sun greeted them, along with the scenery filtered with sepia tone and the cold wind that embraced them. Jaebum put his hands inside the pocket of his coat as he walked, and saw Jinyoung did the same. As a couple, they texted and called each other, more than just saying good night before they sleep and typed good morning right after they woke up. They also went on dates like every other couple. However, Jaebum couldn't bring himself to touch the other, even if it was just holding hands. He felt grateful that Jinyoung never pushed him to do it or asked about it, which made him felt bad at the same time. He didn't know if it was guilt that held him back, he just couldn't.

They took the bus and arrived at the cinema fifteen minutes later. They weren't in hurry since they already bought the tickets online, all they had to do was printing them on site. What they were about to watch was a film titled "The Beauty Inside". Jaebum didn't watch romance often, but the plot of this movie gained his interest. And it just turned out Jinyoung wanted to watch it too, so here they were, sitting for two hours throughout the film with popcorn on Jaebum's lap and drinks on each of their side. Once, their hands touched when Jaebum was too absorbed to the film he didn't notice Jinyoung's hand was already reaching for the popcorn when he did the same. He flinched at the contact, and took a glance at Jinyoung when he realized what he just did.

He found Jinyoung looking at him, his eyes unreadable. However, unlike many ways Jaebum had thought he would react, Jinyoung just smiled and returned his attention to the movie, putting the popcorn he had taken into his mouth. Or maybe not, seeing the sadness reflected slightly in his eyes despite the comedic scene shown on the screen. Jaebum wanted to say something, explanation, comforting words, anything, but he couldn't. Not because he was afraid of disturbing the silence inside the theatre, no. It was because there was no explanation he could give to Jinyoung, and no comforting word he could tell the other when the reason of that look in his eyes was him. The only thing he could offer was an apology.

"I'm sorry," Jaebum said, right after they came out of the theatre. Jinyoung threw a puzzled look at him. "What for?"

"You know what for."

Jinyoung softly smiled at him. "You have nothing to apologize for. I don't expect much of this relationship, since I know you don't have the same feelings as I do. You don't have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Even the fact you still stay with me until now makes me feel grateful. I'm the selfish one to keep holding onto you despite knowing that since I only wanted to be with you, so don't mind me. You're already too good for me."

"No, you're not selfish, not even one bit. I'm the one who asked you to go out with me, so I should've done better," Jaebum reached out his hand, clasping its fingers on Jinyoung's sleeve, "I'm sorry that I couldn't."

Jinyoung stared at the hand on his sleeve for a while before looking at him again, a smile still hanging on his face. "If accepting your apology makes you feel better, okay then. I forgive you, Im Jaebum. Now I'm hungry, let's get something to eat."

Jaebum still held onto the other's sleeve, feeling like it shouldn't be left at that, until he gave up since he didn't know what else to say. "Okay."

 

\--

 

Youngjae's existence had been like a blinding sunlight for Jaebum. He seemed to always spread his radiance to people around him, immersed them with his bright smile, sometimes so bright it hurt Jaebum's eyes. In contrast, Jinyoung was like a serene moonlight. His tranquil glow tenderly calmed people around him, bringing some kind of peacefulness with its steady light. It was never too strong, always gently shined upon Jaebum's eyes sometimes it felt so fragile, melancholic.

Those things made it always comfortable and easy, being with Jinyoung. He just went with the flow, often finding himself putting his past, his regrets, the dream of possible future that might fall upon the other on the back of his mind without realizing it. They were constantly pushed forward though, whenever the nightmares chased him in his sleep, whichever it was. It felt like getting swiped in a horrible hurricane after being gently brushed by the calm breeze. And it happened over and over again.

One thing he could sympathize from the lead character of that movie he watched with Jinyoung was how he became afraid to sleep. The number of his restless nights were catching up that of his dreamless ones. He became scared of sleeping, dreading what might show up in his dream. Those sleepless night took a toll on his body, seemingly growing haggard each day. Even Mark looked worried everytime they see each other in the classes they took together, though he never said anything except asking what happened, once, in the beginning. He was never one to probe, always giving people space when they wanted to keep it to themselves, ready to listen without judgement whenever they wanted to talk. And Jaebum would forever be grateful for that side of him.

He didn't realize how bad it had become until Jinyoung dragged him back to his apartment in one of their meetings at the coffee shop, right after he showed up. After getting forced to open the door of his own apartment, he got dragged straight to his bedroom. He watched in confusion as Jinyoung shoved the cover aside and pushed him to the bed.

"What, are you attacking me now?"

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. "You're not leaving this bed until you get your much needed sleep."

Jaebum chuckled at the tone of his voice. "You sound just like my mom!"

"Shut up and close your eyes."

"I don't want to."

Jinyoung sighed. "Now you sound like an elementary brat. Just sleep, Jaebum."

"I don't want to," Jaebum repeated, to which Jinyoung laughed.

"Well, well, kiddo, are you afraid of monsters crawling out from under your bed once you fall asleep?"

"Not literally," Jaebum answered quietly, "but yes."

It seemed Jinyoung hadn't expected that kind of answer, or maybe the seriousness in his voice, looking at his expression. Then his eyes grew softer, and he walked to sit on the bed beside the pillow where Jaebum's head lied.

"Do you want me to sing something?"

The question was so unexpected that it took a while for Jaebum's mind to process it and laughed until his stomach hurt. "Are you seriously treating me like a kid? For real? Might as well offering to read me a story, Mom."

Jinyoung shrugged. "Who knows, maybe this method would work for you, just like the kid you are."

Jaebum chuckled again. "Okay, try me."

And he started singing a song Jaebum didn't know, a western one.

 

_ Oh Florida, please be still tonight _

_ Don't disturb this love of mine _

_ Look how she's so serene _

_ You've gotta help me out _

 

_ And count the stars to form in lines _

_ And find the words we'll sing in time _

_ I want to keep her dreaming _

_ It's my one wish, I won't forget this _

 

_ ‘Cause I'm outdated, overrated _

_ Morning seems so far away _

 

_ So I'll sing a melody _

_ And hope to God she's listening _

_ Sleeping softly while I sing _

_ And I'll be your memories _

_ Your lullaby for all the times _

_ Hoping that my voice could get it right... _

 

Like everything he was, Jinyoung's voice was calming and pleasant. Jaebum didn't hear the rest of the song since he was already deep into his slumber, more peaceful than he had ever felt these past years since Youngjae was gone. The last thing he felt was the warmth of Jinyoung's palm, gently sweeping the locks of his hair. He didn't know why he was okay with the touch. Maybe he needed it, needing the comfort it brought. What he didn't realize was that he slept with his hand clinging to Jinyoung's grey cardigan, and his lips forming a soft smile.

When he finally opened his eyes, the room was dark, except for the pale moonlight that seeped through the window, shining the room with a dim, silvery glow in contrast of the pitch black shadow it failed to penetrate. He was enveloped by the warmth of the blanket covering him, though he didn’t remember wearing it when he fell asleep. He felt the rough texture of a knitted fabric against his palm, realizing that he had been holding onto it tightly throughout his slumber. He glanced up to find Jinyoung, sleeping soundly despite the uncomfortable position he was in, sitting with his back against the headboard, his head fell forward. His neck would hurt like hell when he woke up, getting strained like that.

Jaebum didn’t know what drove him to sit up against the headboard just like the other, lightly pushed the sleeping boy’s head to lean on his shoulder to make him more comfortable when he couldn’t even touch his hand until now. Maybe it was guilt for making the other slept in such an uncomfortable position, since he kept Jinyoung from going, clinging onto him like that. He could have pulled Jaebum’s hand away and spare himself from unnecessary problems, but Jinyoung was just kind and gentle that way.

Jinyoung shifted in his sleep, adjusting to his new position. It startled Jaebum a little when he heard him speaking, sounding half asleep, “Did you able to have a nice sleep?”

Jaebum felt the corners of his mouth being pulled into a smile. “Yeah, thanks to you.”

“It’s good then,” Jinyoung said. For a moment he didn’t say anything, so Jaebum thought he fell asleep again. But he was startled again when he heard him said, “Call me whenever you feel like you’re on the edge, Jaebum. I’ll be there and sing for you.”

Those words permeated into his heart, oozing warmth that spread through him. He didn’t know why they comforted him this much. At the moment, it somehow felt like his anxieties, his fears, his guilt, and his regrets were being lifted away. He knew it was only momentarily, but he hadn’t felt his heart as light as it did now for years, and he felt like crying in relief at how free it felt. “Thanks,” Jaebum heard his own voice shaking, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to mention that the song was by Mayday Parade, titled I Swear This Time I Mean It. It's a great song :))


	3. Sing for Me

When Jaebum woke up the next morning to the blaring noise of his alarm, instead of moon's silvery gleam, his room was dyed with golden light of the sun. Though his body and mind still felt sluggish since many days of lacking sleep couldn’t be substituted with half a day and one night good sleep, his heart felt a little bit lighter, and the image reflected by the mirror wasn’t looking like a zombie anymore. He wanted to laugh at the irony, seeing that the person who was responsible for his fear of sleeping was also the one who was able to make him sleep soundly.

After the routine of feeding Nora, filling his own stomach and fifteen minutes of walking, he arrived at his campus about ten minutes before the class started. However, as he was nearing the classroom, he also saw someone who wasn’t supposed to be there at all.

“What are you doing here? You said you didn’t have any class today, and this isn’t even your department,” Jaebum said, surprised.

“Waiting for you, obviously. I’m just wondering if you had a proper sleep or not,” Jinyoung look over his face carefully before he cracked a smile, “You look better than yesterday, though. That’s great, I don’t have to drag you back to bed again.”

Being with Jinyoung always brought warmth to his heart. However, at the moment, somehow there was this fluttering feeling knowing the slightly shorter boy was concerned by him that wasn’t there before. A fond smile spread across his face. “I slept like a log through the night, don’t worry. I actually even feel slightly dizzy from how much I slept yesterday. It’s all thanks to you.”

Jinyoung grinned, which failed to hide the shy blush that started to bloom on his cheeks. “I’m so glad my heavenly voice can help you. Well, I think I better go now if I don’t want you to be late for your class.”

“Okay. Let’s have lunch together later, I’ll treat you as thanks.”

“Really? Hmm, what should we eat?” Jinyoung’s face scrunched while he was thinking, making Jaebum laughed at the spark of excitement that was evident on it.

“Just think it over until my class finishes. We’ll eat whatever you want.”

“Alright, I’ll think of something expensive since you’re paying. You better get prepared!”

Jaebum laughed, “Alright, I’ll be prepared to starve for this whole month.”

At that moment, someone called him from behind his back. Even before he turned, he had recognized the voice already, so it didn’t surprise him to see Mark walking to where they were standing. However, he didn’t expect that instead of speaking to him, the red haired boy would look puzzled and ask, “Jinyoung? What are you doing here?”

Jaebum, mirroring his friend’s confusion, turned back to find Jinyoung’s cheek already dyed red again, as they often did. “Wait, you know each other?”

“Of course. He’s Jackson’s childhood friend, and he introduced us right after we started dating. How do you know him?”

Jaebum hesitated to answer, afraid of what Mark would think if he told him the truth. Before he was able to say anything though, Jinyoung had already answered for him.

“We’re dating,” Jinyoung said. Jaebum nervously look at Mark, waiting for accusing words or disappointed glare. He, who couldn't even make Youngjae happy, had dared to date someone else. But Mark only laughed loudly and hit Jinyoung’s shoulder lightly.

“So that’s why you’ve been diligently attending the basketball tournaments these days when we have to drag you there before! Jackson and I already suspected that someone might’ve caught your interest, but we’d never expected it to be Jaebum. I have to tell Jackson!”

Mark bid his goodbye and quickly entered the classroom, possibly wanting to get to his seat and send a message to Jackson telling the news as soon as possible. Jaebum wondered if the couple had already mirrored each other’s personality and released a sigh before looking back to Jinyoung. The other boy, however, didn’t meet his gaze and look at his fiddling fingers instead.

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung said, confusing Jaebum as he didn’t feel like Jinyoung had done anything wrong.

“What for?”

Jinyoung finally looked at him, with worry and remorse in his eyes. “Sorry I just blurted out that we’re dating. You might not want Mark to know about it.”

Jaebum felt his own expression softened, never expecting Jinyoung to be bothered about it. Jinyoung was too kind, way too good to be wasted on someone like him. “You’re worrying too much. It’s true that we’re dating. Why would I want to hide it from Mark?” Well, that was slightly a lie, but at the moment he just want to erase the sad look on his face. Jinyoung only stared at him without saying anything, and he rubbed his hair gently.

“Stop getting bothered by it, okay?”

A faint smile slowly spread across Jinyoung’s face and he nodded. Jaebum stroke his hair one last time before regretfully saying, “I need to go now. Class would start in a few minutes.”

Jinyoung nodded again, his smile seemed brighter than before. “Okay then. I’ll see you later!”

Jaebum didn’t move from where he was standing until Jinyoung disappeared from his sight. He walked to the classroom, and sat himself beside Mark as always. He didn’t realize Mark was staring at him until he spoke.

“I’m glad you decide to date someone. Jinyoung is nice.”

Jaebum smiled sadly. “He is, that’s why he should’ve going out with someone who deserve him instead of me. I can never make him happy, no matter how much I want to try.”

Mark frowned. “Don’t tell me you’re still blaming yourself over Youngjae’s incident?”

Jaebum looked at him, “It _is_ my fault.”

Mark seemed like he wanted to argue, however their lecturer chose that second to enter the room and greet the class. Jaebum was relieved to let the conversation slide behind them. But turned out he was wrong, because Mark muttered quietly, “I'd never ask you to forget Youngjae, but I don’t want him to remain as your painful memory. You know he wouldn’t want it too. I want you to be happy, as I’m sure he would want too. Forgive yourself, Jaebum. You've punished yourself for too long.”

Jaebum didn't respond. Mark didn't understand. Youngjae had gone forever from his life, so it only fair if Jaebum was sentenced to lifetime punishment. No forgiveness, since the only one who could forgive him was no more, and he would live the rest of his live bearing this sin.

 

\--

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with my cooking?” Jaebum asked, still uncertain as they entered the grocery store. He had prepared himself to hear something that would broke his wallet like barbequed meat or sashimi, but what came out from Jinyoung’s mouth was this unexpected request.

Jinyoung laughed as he answered, “Of course, I’m the one who asked you to do it.”

“But… It’s not that I don’t cook, but I’ve never cooked for anyone else before. I don’t know if it would suit people’s taste other than mine,” Jaebum tried to convince the other. He really didn’t have the confidence to cook for others. Jinyoung stared at him in surprise.

“Whoa, not even your family?” Jaebum nodded to Jinyoung’s grin, his eyes sparkled. “So I’m gonna be your first? That’s awesome!”

Jaebum sighed as he ruffled his own hair in frustration. “That’s not the point, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung just laughed again before smiling mischievously while he dragged Jaebum to the lines of trolleys. “Come on, don’t worry, I’m sure it would at least edible. If things come to worst, I’ll try my best not to throw it up in front of you.”

Jaebum took a deep sigh again, resigned to his fate, already defeated. “Alright, then. What do you want me to cook?”

“Hmm… What about kimchi soup? It’s quite easy.”

“Okay.”

They took a trolley and started picking the ingredients. He searched on the internet for the recipe and searched for the ingredients according to the receipt. It had been a while since Jaebum last went grocery shopping since he rarely cooked these days, and the big store kinda overwhelmed him. It took a while since he needed to ask the whereabout of the ingredients a few times. It didn’t help that Jinyoung was easily distracted to snack and drink sections too, which caused him to roll his eyes.

“Do you want to leave a week's worth of snacks in my apartment?”

Jinyoung just waved it off with a grin. “It’s okay, your apartment just needs to welcome me more often.”

After arguing a bit over which part of pork they should use and which pre-packaged kimchi to buy, they finally paid for them and left the store. Fortunately, Jinyoung managed to restrain himself from buying more snack. They took half an hour walk to Jaebum’s apartment. As soon as they arrived, Jinyoung threw himself on the sofa only bringing the bag containing his snack with him and snapped one of them open before leaning back into a comfortable position. Jaebum just shook his head as he saw the other’s behavior.

“My first impression of you has been a shy, quiet person, you know. Seems like I’m too naive,” Jaebum said while putting down the groceries on the kitchen counter. The referred boy bend his head a little with a shy smile, timidly looking through his eyelashes, even though the playful gaze in his eyes told Jaebum that it was all a sham. Jaebum in return put his hand on his heart, putting on a hurt expression.

“So, all along, you've been tricking me… I’m such a fool, falling for your scheme.”

Jinyoung laughed, “Quit being a drama queen, Jaebum. I think being in Film Department requires you to be dramatic on every little thing, huh? Now, please start cooking already because I’m about to die from hunger.”

Jaebum looked at him in disbelief. “Die from hunger? But you've been eating that for a while now!”

“It’s not a meal, it doesn't even relieve one percent of my hunger,” Jinyoung said, pouting his lips.

“And you don’t even have the slightest intention to help me out?”

“You’re the one who said you wanted to treat me, so you should. And I’m a guest here, why would to tell your guest to cook?”

Jaebum raised his hands in defeat. “Alright, alright. I’ll cook for you, young master.” Jinyoung grinned at him and continued eating. Jaebum shook his head as he took out all the groceries from the plastic bags and arranged it on the counter. He took out a cutting board and knife and put it there too before rolling the sleeves of his shirt up. He began to cut the ingredients, starting from kimchi. The chopping noise filled the room, combined with the sound emerged from TV speaker which suddenly disappeared after fifteen minutes. Jaebum to look up in curiosity, chuckling when he heard Jinyoung grumbled something like why was there nothing worth watching in Friday noon as he loudly crushed the potato chips between his teeth, irritated.

“Can I wander around?” Jinyoung asked, bored, which Jaebum answered with, “Go on.”

Jaebum completely immersed on his cooking after that, didn’t really pay attention to what Jinyoung do. He put a medium sized pot and put the kimchi and pork he had cut before inside. After adding hot pepper paste and sugar, he pour water and turned on the stove. Only then he realized Jinyoung was no longer in the room. He just started wondering where Jinyoung could’ve went when Jinyoung appeared from his room, still with a bag of potato chips in his hand. For a moment he thought the other’s face looked strange, but he dismissed it as Jinyoung grinned widely at him.

“How does it progress? How much longer it will take?”

“I just need to let it boil for a while before adding tofu inside. It will be ready in about forty minutes.”

“Ugh, why does it took so long? I’m already so hungry,” Jinyoung pouted.

“Hey, you can at least help me cook the rice. You just have to put it into the rice cooker and that’s all.”

“Alright, alright,” Jinyoung put the snack down and walked toward the kitchen, “Where do you keep the rice?”

Jaebum smiled. Sulky Jinyoung was kind of amusing and, he didn’t really want to admit, adorable. “It’s inside that cabinet,” Jaebum said, pointing at a dark wooden cabinet at the corner of the room. He watched as the other scooped the rice and pour it into the cooking bowl. Jinyoung then put it inside the rice cooker which was located on the counter beside Jaebum, and turned it on. “Done,” he said.

They chatted while waiting for the soup to boil and the rice to cook. It was the first time he cooked for someone else, the first time Jinyoung was in his apartment. However, everything seemed so natural it felt strange. Jinyoung laughed at how Jaebum folded a tissue and stick it on his forehead, below his hair that was started to feel damp. He sweated so much from standing near the stove for too long. Jinyoung shared his snack and sometimes fed Jaebum some of it when his both hands were busy. When the soup was finally ready to eat, Jaebum brought it to the dining table and scooped the rice into bowls while Jinyoung prepared the utensils and put a glass of water for each of them. It was almost as if they did those kind of things everyday.

They sat and started eating. Well, at least Jinyoung did, while Jaebum just stared at him, waiting in anticipation for his reaction to his cooking. Jinyoung took a mouthful of it, and Jaebum laughed when his eyes widened, looking funny combined with his puffed out cheeks. He swallowed it and eyed him accusingly, “You said I’m tricking you, but you’re actually the one tricking me.”

Jaebum was confused, “Wait, what do you mean?”

“What's with those hesitant act when you can cook so well? You made me drop my expectation so low and you give me a kimchi soup that tastes so good! It’s cheating!”

Jaebum chuckled. “Well, to be fair, I never cook for anyone else before, so I don’t even know if it’s good for other people too or not. And I know you’re just exaggerating, so stop it.”

Jinyoung took another mouthful. With his mouth still full of food he said, “It’s so good, really,” and continued to devour the food. Jaebum just smiled watching him eating before he ate too. _So this is why people cooks for others._

 

_\--_

 

Jaebum stared at the ceiling from where he lied on his bed. He had been tossing and turning, trying to chase the demons of his fear away and sleep, but failed. He just turned off the music playing from his phone, disappointed that it didn’t bring the effect he hoped for. He fell asleep at Jinyoung’s singing, so he thought other songs would work too. He sighed. It gonna be another long night, it seemed.

Suddenly, his phone vibrated. He ignored it, thinking it was just some text messages. Who would call in the middle of the night? However the vibrating didn’t stop, so Jaebum turned to his side, reaching for his phone on the nightstand. He furrowed his brows, confused when he saw Jinyoung’s name displayed on the screen, and he started to get worried. Were there some emergencies? Did something happened to Jinyoung? He remembered the nightmare that had been haunting his nights. He sat up, anxiously dragged his finger on green phone receiver symbol on the screen, and put the phone on his ear.

“Hello?” Jaebum said, uneasy.

_“Hi. Are you sleeping? Did I wake you up?”_

Jaebum sighed in relief. Jinyoung sounded fine, at least Jaebum was sure he wasn’t on the verge of death like how he always saw in his dreams. “No, I’ve been awake. What’s wrong?”

_“What’s wrong? You should be sleeping, you bullheaded idiot.”_

Jaebum chuckled, “Whoa, wait a minute. You call me in the middle of the night, and the first thing I hear is you cursing me? I’ve been lying on this bed for an hour already in a wasted effort of trying to sleep and that’s what I get?”

Jaebum could hear Jinyoung’s laugh chirping across his ear from the other end of the phone. _“Sorry, sorry. I’m afraid that’s the case, that’s why I’m calling to check on you.”_

Jaebum felt warmth seeped into his heart again, and that strange fluttering feeling came back. He lied back down on his bed, smiling. “And now that you know, what are you gonna do? Are you going to sing again?”

Jaebum had meant it as a joke, so he didn’t expect the seriousness contained in Jinyoung’s voice as he answered, “Well, if you want me to.”

Jaebum was caught off guard, never thought that Jinyoung would really care this much for him. Silence extended between the imaginary distance their phones created, which was ended by a nervous laugh by Jinyoung.

_“Forget it, I’m just kidding. We could just…”_

“Please,” Jaebum cut in.

_“... huh?”_

Jaebum closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. “Would you sing for me?”

None of them said anything for a minute, and he started thinking Jinyoung was going to refuse before he heard the now familiar serene voice singing through the receiver.

 _“When you try your best, but you don't succeed_  
_When you get what you want, but not what you need_  
_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep_  
_Stuck in reverse_  
_And the tears come streaming down your face_  
_When you lose something you can't replace_  
_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_  
_Could it be worse?_  
  
_Lights will guide you home_  
_And ignite your bones_  
_And I will try to fix you_  
  
_And high up above or down below_  
_When you're too in love to let it go_  
_But if you never try you'll never know_  
_Just what you're worth_  
  
_Lights will guide you home_  
_And ignite your bones_ _  
And I will try to fix you…”_

As Jaebum slipped into his deep slumber midway through the song, it didn’t just fade away into the darkness. The melody seeped into his dream and chased the wolves of the night away in the form of an image shaped as Jinyoung, smiling softly with the crinkles around the corner of his eyes, holding his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As most of you, or maybe every single one of you, knows, the song is Coldplay's Fix You. It reflects the determination Jinyoung has to fix and save Jaebum. Another reason would be because Coldplay's old songs would forever be the best for me, no offense just opinion. Hope you enjoy this chapter!


	4. Fate

Seasons changed, and before they knew it, September had already arrived and fall greeted the city again. The road was filled with dried leaves falling from the trees, and the torrid air that flown with the wind had been humidified. The greyish sky prevented the sun to shine brightly that the edges of the shadows that followed their steps to Jaebum’s apartment had softened and blurred so much it almost fading. They walked leisurely side by side as both their ears were plugged by an earphone each, connected to Jaebum’s phone, saying nothing except sometimes humming along to the song played at the moment.

It wasn’t a rare occurrence, not at all. Jinyoung had frequented Jaebum’s apartment so often this past year, from doing his assignments to just lazing around. Jaebum felt like he had become Jinyoung’s personal cook with how many meals he had prepared for him. Jinyoung would played songs from the playlist in his phone through the speaker Jaebum had in his living room while he cooked, and sang along. The kind of music they liked was a little different. Jinyoung once joked that he liked ‘soft songs’ while Jaebum preferred ‘sticky songs’. There were a lot of songs he came to like after being played on repeat by Jinyoung though, and before long he was humming the song along with Jinyoung’s singing and his own playlist getting mixed with the other’s taste. Beside those there were also different kinds of ASMR sounds Jaebum kept in his phone. Jinyoung recommended it to him, saying it helped him sleep. Jinyoung helped him to search for some good ones, and by far the one that worked the best was the sound of rain dripping to the ground. Although it didn’t stop the nightmare, it still helped him to calm down and fall asleep. He also managed to cope up with his fear, able to convince himself that everything was just a dream.

His bookshelf was no longer contain only his books anymore with Jinyoung’s own jumbled in between and the books they found together in their visits to the bookstore. They shared the same taste of books, leading to Jinyoung bringing some of his books he thought Jaebum would like. They usually just lied on an L shaped sofa in Jaebum’s living room in silence but the constant sound of pages being turned, immersed in two different worlds the books they read brought them into. They would exchange those books with each others after they finished them and later discussed their opinion of the books.

Some nights they would also watch dramas together. Jaebum didn’t really into dramas before, but Jinyoung would watch the dramas aired on TV that he liked, and they eventually caught his interest and before he knew it, his eyes was already fixed on the screen and reacted to every scenes along with Jinyoung. Jaebum would sometimes cry on sad scenes, and by the end of the episode he would turn his head to find Jinyoung with swollen eyes, red nose, and dampened cheeks. They then would laugh at each other’s ridiculous face while snuffling since their noses were clogged up.

Those were mostly the things they did when they hung out together at Jaebum’s. However, today was going to be different.

As soon as they arrived, Jinyoung opened his jacket and left it draped on the arm of the sofa before throwing himself on it. Jaebum went straight from the front door to the kitchen, opened his refrigerator, and after looking to make sure Jinyoung’s attention wasn’t at him, took out a medium sized carrot cake. It wasn’t extravagant, only covered by white cream with no decoration. He put it on the floor, hidden from Jinyoung’s sight, and searched for the small candles and lighter he bought before his class in his bag. He organized the candles on the cake and light it up before bringing it to the living room.

Jinyoung didn’t recognize his presence until he sang happy birthday when he was near enough. He could see Jinyoung’s eyes widened, his mouth gaped as he saw the cake. Those eyes kept following the cake as Jaebum put it down on the table, as if he was hypnotized.

“Did you make it yourself?” he asked. Jaebum chuckled, hiding his embarrassment as he sat on the other side of the sofa.

“Is it that obvious? It’s my first time baking a cake. I guess it is too plain, huh?”

Only then Jinyoung finally looked at him. “No! That’s not what I mean,” he said frantically, before beaming up a smile, the one that made his eyes slightly disappeared and formed wrinkles around their edges. “It’s so beautiful. Thank you.”

Jaebum smiled, satisfied that Jinyoung seemed touched by the cake. “Quickly make a wish before the candles are burned down.”

Jinyoung nodded, kept smiling as he closed his eyes and clasped his hands together. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes again and bent down to blow the candles off.

“How do you know today is my birthday?” Jinyoung asked curiously. Jaebum smirked. “Well, do you forget you have a noisy puppy as your childhood friend? Jackson has been telling me what date your birthday is over and over again since last month until I even repeated it in my sleep.”

Jinyoung laughed, “I really need to treat him for a dinner.”

“Now, your second present,” Jaebum stood up and went to his room, then came out holding his guitar. Jinyoung looked at the guitar, at him, and back at the guitar again. Jaebum walked and sat on the sofa again, laughing at the confused expression Jinyoung made because it looked so hilarious.

“Are you going to give me your guitar?” Jinyoung asked. Jaebum chuckled. “Of course not,” he said, amused. He then put the guitar into a comfortable position on his lap while gripping its neck with his slightly trembling left hand. He took cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

“Listen.”

 _You are you, I am me_  
_We lived without knowing each other but_  
_With a hello_  
_You and I became a we_  
_With a low voice_  
_Slightly shaking with a fluttering heart_  
_I went in front of you_  
_And carefully said these words_  
  
_Hi (hello)_  
_Every time I say hi to you_  
_It makes my heart flutter_  
_Hi (hello)_  
_As we exchange those words_  
_We’re starting our own story_  
  
_La lalalala_  
_La lalalala_  
_La lalalala_  
  
_Me, to you, you, to me_  
_We used to mean nothing to each other but_  
_With a hello_  
_You and I have finally become one_  
  
_Filled with happiness_  
_In your face_  
_You look at me_  
_And I go to you_  
_And say those loving words_  
  
_Hi (hello)_  
_Every time I say hi to you_  
_It makes my heart flutter_  
_Hi (hello)_  
_As we exchange those words_  
_We’re starting our own story_  
  
_Just by looking at each other_  
_Makes our hearts overwhelmed_  
_But after we say hello_  
_I am so happy_  
  
_Hi (hello)_  
_Every time I say hi to you_  
_It makes my heart flutter_  
_Hi (hello)_  
_As we exchange those words_  
_We’re starting our own story_  
  
_La lalalala_  
_La lalalala_ _  
_ La lalalala

Throughout the song, Jaebum had his eyes fixed on his playing hands. If he was to look at Jinyoung, he would’ve been too nervous and embarrassed to continue. Of course he had practiced playing this song many times before, and he believed the guitar skill he self-learned since two years ago was quite decent, but he wasn’t used to doing something like this. He never had any lover to sing for since Youngjae, and he obviously never sang like this for Youngjae since he hadn’t learned playing guitar back at highschool, also as a teenager he thought it was too cheesy. He still did, but Jinyoung had sung so many times for him, cared and helped a lot especially in resolving his problems with sleeping, also understanding that Jaebum could never do any skinships every couple did. He wanted to show how grateful he was for everything he did, that he was glad they got to know each other, and after thinking hard he came to a conclusion that singing was the best way to convey it sincerely.

After the song ended, he felt his cheeks burned as he nervously looked at Jinyoung, wondering how he would react. Maybe he would laugh, or maybe he would cringe at how cheesy it was. However, he would never expected to see Jinyoung cry. Not the kind of I’m-so-touched tears, but a pained one. He tore his eyes from Jaebum’s gaze and covered his face with his hands. Jaebum was so puzzled he didn’t know what to do, and his heart tugged at how sad Jinyoung looked. Jaebum put down his guitar and moved closer to him.

“Hey, what happen? Did I do something wrong?” Jaebum asked carefully. Jinyoung only shook his head. Jaebum hesitated before throwing his arms around the other, pulling him in his embrace, trying to comfort him and protect him from whatever it was that hurt him. Jaebum never saw Jinyoung looking so frail he might break if he hugged him even a little bit too tight. They stayed that way for a while until Jinyoung pulled away. He wiped his tears, smiling gratefully, yet still heart-wrenching Jaebum’s heart ached so much he felt he himself would break. Never one’s emotion had affected him so deeply and he finally realized that the feeling he had for the other had extended much further than it should.

“This is the happiest moment of my life. Thanks for giving me the best presents I’ve ever had, Jaebum. Thank you so much.”

 

\--

 

“...bum! Jaebum!”

Jaebum was snapped out of his train of thought as Mark shook his shoulder. The lecturer was gone already, so did half of the class. He turned to look at Mark, finding the other’s brows furrowed in worry.

“I’ve been calling you a few times and you didn’t respond. What happen?”

Jaebum shook his head and smiled. “Nothing, just have a lot on my mind.”

The creases between his brows disappeared, but Mark still looked worried. He seemed like he wanted to ask. However, he only said, “You know I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me, right?”

Jaebum nodded. “Yeah.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Jaebum. It’s okay to depend on someone. It doesn’t have to be me. Don’t wait until you’re on the edge of the cliff. It might be too late to call for help that when you tripped and fell, no one would be here on time to pull you back.”

Jaebum smiled fondly to his best friend. It always felt nice to know you’re important enough for someone to worry about you. “I will. Thank you.”

Mark smiled back and patted his shoulder. “Alright, let’s go. Jackson and Jinyoung are waiting.”

They gathered their things and stepped out of the class. By the time they exited the college area, the blue sky was already dyed with the color of orange and pink. The sun was no longer in sight, hidden behind the tall buildings. They walked together, trying to find the location of the barbecue restaurant Jinyoung had mentioned.

They walked for fifteen minutes before finding the restaurant. They quickly found Jinyoung and Jackson, the latter waving at them with all his might. Jinyoung, who sat facing the opposite direction from the entrance, turned around to see them and smiled brightly. Jaebum felt the butterflies filling his stomach, and he wanted to vomit it all because he hated himself for feeling that way. They walked up to where the two were seated, and Jaebum sat beside Jinyoung while Mark beside Jackson.

“What took you so long?” Jackson asked.

“Sorry, the lecturer really took his time,” Mark answered, “Have you ordered already?”

“Yeah. You can order more if you want,” Jinyoung said, “Today, it’s my treat.”

“Of course, it’s your birthday! Of course you’re paying!” Jackson smirked mischievously. “What about Jaebum? He didn’t forget your birthday right?”

Jaebum snorted, “How can I forget when you remind me everyday?”

Jackson grinned. “Is that jacket your gift? It’s new right? I’ve never seen it before.”

Jaebum stared at Jinyoung, raising one of his eyebrow at the white jacket Jinyoung was wearing. “It’s new? It looks familiar though. I feel like I’ve seen you wearing it before.”

“I’m wearing it for the first time though? My mother bought it for me and sent it so that it would arrive yesterday, exactly on my birthday.”

“Auntie sent it? Then what’s your present from Jaebum?” Jackson asked curiously. Jinyoung smiled teasingly and said, “It’s a secret,” to Jackson’s annoyed frown.

Jinyoung became so talkative whenever he was with Jackson, showing how close they were to each other. Watching them bickering was so amusing, and he could see Mark also thought the same with the fond look the red haired boy threw at them. They kept on going at it until the waiter came bringing side dishes. Mark ordered a ramyun and Jaebum added one more ramyun and a dosirak, making Jackson’s eyes widen.

“Guess you’re so hungry,” Jackson said, which Jinyoung sighed at and Mark laughed. “You can never imagine how much he could eat, Jackson,” Mark said, and Jinyoung nodded at the fact. Jaebum scowled, feeling wronged.

“Don’t act like you don’t eat as much, Mark. Usually you eat even more than me! Don’t get fooled because he looked so thin.”

Jackson nodded. “Now that you say it, that’s right. I’m scared to see the bill sometimes when we eat together. I wonder where all the food he eat goes when he never gain weight.” Mark pouted and hit Jackson’s upper arm hard. As usual, Jackson exaggerated his reaction, which annoyed Mark further and bringing laughter to the two others.

The meat finally came. Jackson took the tongs and started grilling. After that, the food they ordered came one by one, and they started eating. They chatted and laughed over the food. All the time, Jaebum tried to pretend he was alright when it hurt so much sitting there beside Jinyoung, their arm sometimes brushing against each other, seeing his face, hearing his laugh, despising himself for the strong affection he felt toward the other boy. Youngjae’s face kept appearing on his mind all the while, reminding him that the feeling was something forbidden for him, something he had lost the right over. Finally, after the food was all gone and they felt like their stomach was about to burst from being filled to the brim, Jinyoung paid the bill and they went outside. Jaebum and Jinyoung bid goodbye to the other couple, and they were left on their own in front of the entrance.

“Can I hang out at your place?” Jinyoung asked. Jaebum squeezed his brain to think of an excuse fast, because there was only so much torture he could withstand in a day.

“Sorry, there’s an assignment that I have to finish soon, and it need my undivided concentration. So I don’t want to be disturbed when I work on it.”

Jinyoung seemed disappointed, but he quickly brush it off with a smile. “Okay then, good luck with your assignment. See you later.”

Jaebum watched as Jinyoung’s back slowly getting further. Suddenly, when Jinyoung was about to reach the crossroad, a flash of memory came before his eyes. Just like the images shown to him almost every night, Jinyoung was lying in the middle of the road, life slowly fading out of him as more blood spread on the grey asphalt. The snow was falling, as white as the color of Jinyoung’s jacket. The very same jacket Jinyoung was wearing at the moment as he waited for the light to turn green so he could go across the road, minus the bloody red spots on the surface from his memory.

Before he knew it, he already ran toward Jinyoung, pulled his arm and squeezed his body tightly. He didn’t release him even after the light turned green, letting all the other passerby to cross the road, and turned red again. He didn’t know he was crying until he felt the damn jacket damp under his cheeks, and Jinyoung was stroking his shaking back, trying to soothe him. They didn’t know how many green light they missed until the tears streaming from Jaebum’s eyes dried.

 

\--

 

Jaebum ended up taking Jinyoung home, afraid something might happen on his way there. For the first time, they walked hand in hand. However, instead of the usual comfortable silence, what filled the air was suffocating uneasiness.

Jaebum was so scared. He should’ve realized sooner, and stopped before falling further for Jinyoung. Fate was playing with him, or maybe this was his real punishment. Fate led him to Jinyoung, made him fell for the boy when he had managed to stay away from love for years, only to take the one he loved the the second time. He had fallen too deep, he would be completely broken with no chance to recover if he lose Jinyoung too. He would die.

Then again, maybe it all happened because Jinyoung loved him, someone with such a sinful past. That was why he was chosen as the tool of his punishment. Maybe if he hadn’t love Jaebum, he wouldn’t die.

It might not too late. Maybe if Jinyoung fell out of love, his destiny would change before the accident happen. Maybe he would be able to live on. That was why, when they reached the front of Jinyoung’s apartment, he let go of the other’s hand. He stared at Jinyoung’s anxious gaze, holding himself back from wanting to pull him in his embrace again for one last time, and said, “Let’s break up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Jaebum sang is Day6's Hi Hello. I'm so, so excited for their September release and GOT7's upcoming comeback. I personally think that Flight Log: Departure is their best album so far since it's the only album that make me hooked on all the tracks, and that Fly is the concept that suit them the most, standing between soft and dark, or you might call it between fluffy and angsty in fanfic terms :)) I haven't found someone who think the same though. Well no matter what kind of concept they do for this upcoming comeback, I'd still be writing fanfics about JJP :D


	5. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize first, since it seems like every new chapter is shorter than the ones before. However, in exchange I've been updating much faster than earlier chapters, so forgive me ;D Hope you enjoy this chapter :))

Jaebum woke up when the sun had already gone west. His body still tired and mind felt ragged. He dragged himself toward the bathroom, and stared at the mess of a human in the mirror. He looked terrible. Black shadows had formed under his eyes again, and he looked pale. He hadn’t been able to sleep at night again, all progress he made the past year lost. It wasn’t because of the fear from nightmare anymore though. The longing for Jinyoung was just too great it suffocated him, overshadowing the fear. Despite that, the nightmare would affect him greater than before, as the fact that it still appeared indicated that Jinyoung’s future hadn’t changed and therefore became a constant reminder of why he should keep staying away from the boy.

It had been a month since their break up, half of it since he last saw Jinyoung. The first half consisted of Jinyoung stubbornly waiting outside his classes. Jaebum would hide behind the wall at the junction of the corridor, watching him from afar and waited until he left before he went into the class, receiving the lecturers annoyed stare because their lectures were disturbed. He eventually seemed to give up, and Jaebum never saw him anymore, feeling relieved in spite of the pang in his heart because the only moment he was able to observe Jinyoung’s face as much as he could was taken away.

Jinyoung had influenced his life too much that the void Jinyoung left was too big he couldn’t remember how his life was before he met Jinyoung. There were traces of Jinyoung everywhere, yet the person itself was nowhere to be seen. He was in Jaebum’s playlist, so he didn’t listen to music anymore. He was in every food he cooked, making him losing appetite on everything he made that he started losing weight. He was on the bookshelf, so he covered it with a wide piece of fabric. He was in every shows and dramas he saw on tv, so he didn’t turn it on anymore. Even after all he did (or didn’t do), every corner of his apartment still brought memories of Jinyoung. And since he stopped doing everything he normally did at home, he had nothing to distract his mind with, so it would still be filled with Jinyoung. It really drove him crazy.

Jaebum sighed, tearing his eyes off from the sad reflection of his. He took a shower, turning it as cold as possible so the hurricane inside his head would cool down. More preferable if it could make his brain freeze so he wouldn’t be able to think anymore, however it was too good to be true hence impossible. When he got out from the bathroom, he found Nora waiting for him and nudged her nose to Jaebum’s leg, meowing. Jaebum took her into his arms, carrying her to lie with him on the sofa in the living room. He put her on his stomach, stroking her silky fur. It was a rare chance when instead of scratching his hand and ran away, she stayed put and purred.

“Don’t you miss him? You used to play all the time with him and ignore me when I’m the one who keep you fed, you ungrateful princess.”

Nora stared at him with her blue eyes and meowed softly. Jaebum smiled sadly and said, “Well, I do.”

Nora meowed again and walked up to his chest, surprising him by licking his nose. He smiled fondly and kiss her, petting her head. He understood that she wanted to comfort him, and the pain in his heart subsided, even though he knew it was still there.

Suddenly, his doorbell rang. He put Nora down, wondering who it was. He then remembered Mark texted he would come over the afternoon. He sighed, feeling bad for the red haired boy for having to stand between him and Jackson. Jackson had been angry at Jaebum for breaking up with his best friend one-sidedly, and refused to talk with Jaebum the whole month. And Mark, being the great friend he was, wouldn’t leave him alone with his own mess. It seemed like they fought because of it in the first weeks, since he never mentioned Jackson’s name anymore and never seen together with the other anymore. He felt worse because of it, so he persuaded Mark to make up with Jackson. Their relationship didn’t have to pay the price of Jaebum being a jerk. And now, as Mark stated, they were in a truce. It still didn’t sit well with Jaebum, but he had to be satisfied by it since Mark could really be the most stubborn person he ever knew.

The bell rang again, and Jaebum shouted to Mark to wait a minute as he walked to unlock the door. However, the face that door revealed wasn’t Mark’s. It was Jinyoung’s.

Jaebum was too stunned he didn’t react to close the door in time. By the time he came to his sense, Jinyoung had already slid inside. Jinyoung stared at him, crossing his arms in front of his chest as Jaebum sighed and closed the door. There was no way he could make Jinyoung leave when he was already inside. The boy could be as stubborn as Mark if he wanted.

“Let’s sit first before we talk.”

They walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. Jaebum’s heart ached when he saw how Jinyoung smiled at Nora. It wasn’t how he used to smile before. Now the smile didn’t reach his eyes, which looked as exhausted as Jaebum. Nora jumped onto Jinyoung’s lap, and purred when the boy stroked her fur.

“Now, what do you want to talk about?” Jaebum asked, sighing deeply. He seemed to be sighing too much these days.

“Do you want me to leave that badly?” Jinyoung smiled at him, so sad his heart was shattered to pieces. Jaebum clenched his jaw tightly, trying not to break down in front of Jinyoung. Jinyoung put Nora down, and she ran into Jaebum’s room. “You suddenly break up with me and cut me off of your life without giving me any reason to accept. Mark told me to give you some space for a while but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Don’t you think I have the right to know why?”

“I have no reason I can tell you,” Jaebum said, tearing his eyes off from Jinyoung. He couldn’t afford being weakened by Jinyoung’s gaze right then.

“Is it because you still love Youngjae?”

Jaebum’s eyes was snapped back at Jinyoung’s again. He never expected Youngjae’s name would come out of Jinyoung’s mouth. “How do you know about Youngjae?”

“I found his picture between the pages of a book you put at the very bottom of your bookshelf the second time I came here. I asked Mark and he told me he was your ex.”

Jaebum observed him, and felt relieved. Seemed like it was all he knew. Of course Mark wouldn’t reveal his past without his permission.

Jinyoung slid down to the floor on his knees, holding Jaebum’s gaze and put his hands on top of Jaebum’s. “I’ve told you I never expected anything from you, right? I just wanted to be with you. I will never ask for your love. Just please, let me stay by your side,” Jinyoung said, pleading, with tears hanging on the edge of his eyes. He sounded so desperate, and it pained Jaebum for having to keep rejecting him like this when all he wanted was hugging Jinyoung tightly and never let go. But he knew he couldn’t. He tried so hard to hold back his own tears.

“I just can’t do it anymore. Please, just let me go, Jinyoung. There are many others that will love you with all their heart, and any of them will be better than me,” Jaebum felt his voice shaking, indicating his cover slowly cracking.

“But the one I love is you! The only one I want to be with is you!” Jinyoung stood up abruptly, yelling in frustration. “Is it because I’m going to die?”

Jaebum froze.  _ No, no way. There’s no way he knows.  _ “What are you saying?”

“You know right? That I’m going to die. That’s why you’re willing to go out with me, because you pity me.”

Jaebum felt like he was being struck by thunder. For a moment, it seemed like his heart had stopped breathing. Too many questions whirled inside his head. However, nothing came out from the gap between his lips. He could only saw Jinyoung running his hand over his hair in frustration.

“You’ve been dreaming of it, haven’t you? Is that why you’re afraid to sleep? I thought it was just an ordinary nightmare. I didn’t realize it until I see how you reacted to my jacket back on my birthday. The only one who knows I will die wearing it supposed to be only me. But you know it too, am I right?”

Jaebum looked down, didn’t know what to say. Everything he said was right. “Does it come to you too? The dream?” Jaebum asked, quietly. He could hear Jinyoung took a deep breath.

“Yes,” he answered, sitting back down on the sofa. “That’s why, can’t you just stay with me? Even if it’s just for pity?” 

He sounded so fragile. Jaebum never heard him talked that way, so frail and sorrowful. Despite that, Jaebum kept shaking his head, his hands covering his face and hiding the tears he could no longer hold.

“Or do you actually hate me because I keep giving you a hard time through the nightmare? I can understand.”

“No, that’s not it,” Jaebum said, muffled by his palms.

“Then why?”

“Because I love you!” Jaebum screamed out, finally looking up at Jinyoung with tears streaming down his face. “I’ve only loved one person before I met you, and do you know where he is now? He’s dead! I barely able to get over depression and you expect me to go through that all over again when you’re gone?”

He continued, weak and broken, “I won’t be able to continue living, Jinyoung. Not after falling into that dark, bottomless pit the second time. I won't be able to climb back up.”

Jinyoung was taken aback by his sudden outburst, then he seemed dejected. He reached out to Jaebum, but Jaebum flinched away and said, “please, Jinyoung, leave me alone.”

Jinyoung reluctantly drew back his hand. Jaebum could see the hurt in his eyes as he stood up. “Okay, I’ll leave for now. I know I might seem selfish to you, but I won’t give up. A man who is going to die allowed to be selfish, right?” Jinyoung smiled, but like before, it didn’t reach his eyes. “See you, Jaebum.”

Jaebum listened as Jinyoung footsteps got further and further until the door closed. Then he was left by himself, surrounded by the sorrow that suffocated him. This is for the best, staying away from Jinyoung. Yet if it was the right choice, why did both of them suffered a pain so great, both Jinyoung and him? If it was his punishment, why wasn't he the only one hurting?

Jaebum didn't know anymore.


	6. Perspective

A few moment after the door closed behind Jinyoung, it opened again and he heard someone entered the room. He looked up and saw Mark standing there with a worried expression on his face. Seeing the state Jaebum was in, the other quickly sat beside him and pulled him into his arms, letting Jaebum cried his eyes out on his shoulder without a word.

“What happened? I saw Jinyoung on my way up here. Did you fight?” Mark asked after Jaebum had mostly calmed down. Jaebum shook his head.

“Tell me, Jaebum. Didn’t I tell you? You can depend on me. I want to help you.”

And that was exactly what he needed. It was too hard, and he couldn’t bear to keep it by himself anymore. So he told Mark everything. From the nightmare, how he met Jinyoung, why he went out with him, how he slowly fell in love with him, and why he broke up with him. Mark listened to him quietly, never disturbed him until he finished his story.

“So Jinyoung is… going to die?” Mark asked, forcing it out like the word was choking him.

“I don’t know, but the fact that we both dream of it would be too much to be called a coincidence, right?” Jaebum said, tugging at his own hair.

Tears began to fill Mark’s eyes. “What should we do…? Can’t we do something? Why is this happening to him?”

Jaebum casted his eyes down. “Sorry, it’s my fault… that’s why, maybe me staying away from him could save him.”

Hearing that, Mark put his hands on Jaebum’s shoulders, forcing him to face Mark and held his gaze. And when he talked, he sounded upset.

“Listen, Jaebum, I’ve told you so many times that what happened to Youngjae isn’t your fault.  _ Fate  _ killed him. And now it punished you? It made no sense. And now you’re gonna blame yourself again that Jinyoung is going to die? What makes you think that it’s your punishment? How do you know that it’s not truly his destiny? Let me tell you something, Jaebum, you think too highly of yourself if you think that every accident that happened in your life is your fault. If I die tonight, would you blame yourself as well? Everyone dies, Jaebum, and no one knows when and how they’re going to die.”

Jaebum wanted to argue. “But the dream...”

“Don’t you think that maybe that dream is a way for God to be considerable of you? That dream gave you a chance to be together, giving you the only person that could make you love again before you lost him forever without knowing it and became unable to love anymore for your whole live. Maybe it supposed to make you realize that you have to cherish the time you’re given, even more that you know that you might not be together for long. And what are you doing now, distancing yourself from him?”

Jaebum was taken aback. He never thought of it from that other perspective. For years, he only knew a way to blame himself and fell into depression. He never thought that there was any possibility other than himself at fault. Mark’s expression softened, and he continued.

“Even if it’s like how you thought before, if it’s me, I would rather live a short life with the one I love than a long one without. It would be an empty life, I’m sure Jinyoung will think the same. If he’s going to die, he would want to leave without regret. That’s why he keeps running after you.”

Jaebum didn’t say anything. He remembered Jinyoung saying with a mirthless smile, before he left,  _ “I know I might seem selfish to you, but I won’t give up. A man who is going to die allowed to be selfish, right?” _

“And what if he still dies even after you break up with him? Believe me, you’re going to regret not staying with him your whole life. And he would die, alone. Won’t it be better to stay together with him until his last breath? And who knows, maybe God pushed you to him so that future could change, not the other way around.”

Jaebum’s eyes widen in realization. Mark was right, why didn’t he think of it before? For the first time in a while, a small light of hope sparked from the dark hollow inside his heart. He knew it might’ve been only a wishful thinking, but at the moment, he just wanted to believe that so badly, because he was too tired with everything and he missed Jinyoung so much. He sniffled and wiped the tears on his cheeks. Mark looked relieved when he smiled, feeling much lighter than before.

“I haven’t heard you talk that much in years, do you realize that?” Jaebum said, voice hoarse from crying too much.

Mark pouted and hit his upper arm. “It’s your fault, idiot, you frustrated me so much my tears disappeared by itself.”

Jaebum chuckled. “Sorry for ruining your shirt.”

“You really need to feel sorry about that,” Mark huffed, “It’s new, and it’s my birthday gift from Jackson. You might’ve forgotten my birthday because it’s quite close to Jinyoung and your mind is occupied by his, though.”

“Hey, that’s not fair! I got you a present too on your birthday!” Now, it was Jaebum’s turn to sulk. Mark only laughed. Jaebum then added with a guilt in his voice, “I’ll apologize to Jackson later, for this and all the other things.”

Mark smiled gently. “Jackson wasn’t that important. What matters the most now is Jinyoung. Now you have to go, chase him, and get him back.”

 

\--

 

About an hour later Jaebum stood before the door of Jinyoung’s apartment, and he had been staring at it intensely for quite a while. Only God knew how many times he reach out to knock the door, and retracted it before his knuckles even touched the wood. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the frantic beating of his heart. However, when he finally had the courage to actually knock the door, no one answered. He tried to catch any kind of sound that might tell him if there was anyone behind the door, but there was nothing.

Jaebum sighed, putting his hands inside his jacket. He turn around, and leaned his back on the wall. He contemplated between going back and coming here again tomorrow or staying and waited until who knew how late. He didn’t even know if he’d come home tonight. Then he remembered all the time Jinyoung waited for him outside his class. He remembered the hurt that flashed in Jinyoung’s eyes and his brittle smile before he left.

So he stayed.

Another hour later, his legs began to hurt, so he squatted down and gathered his knees into his arms. The sun had slid down, and the crescent moon was hanging on the now dark sky in exchange, lonely without a single star in sight. Jaebum shivered when the cold night breeze of autumn blew on him. He didn’t even wear enough clothes, leaving with exactly what he was wearing back at home, which consisted of a pair of black track pants and red hoodie. He was rushing, wanting to meet Jinyoung as soon as possible because he missed the other so much. He wanted to tell Jinyoung that they were going back together immediately so he could see his earnest smile again.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of footsteps climbing up the stairs. At this point he didn’t even turn his head anymore after having his hope crushed the few first times. However, the familiar voice that called his name made him did exactly that.

Jinyoung was there, about two meters away from where Jaebum crouched down with widened eyes and parted mouth. Jaebum stood up, his mind suddenly blank with Jinyoung’s sudden appearance. Now that the person he had been waiting for was in front of him, his tongue was glued to the base of his mouth. So he walked up to Jinyoung and engulfed him in his embrace. He basked into the warmth he yearned so much and the scent he longed so bad. He could feel Jinyoung tensed within his arms, and he could hear him stuttered.

“Wh-what does this mean?”

Jaebum smiled, feeling whole again. “This means I’m coming back to you.”

Jinyoung began to tremble in Jaebum’s arms, and he bawled uncontrollably. Jaebum was pushed back by the force of a pair of hands on his chest, leaving him surprised and perplexed when the other started yelling.

“Just a few hours ago I’m on my knees begging you to stay with me and you told me to leave. Now you’re standing here in front of my door, saying you’re coming back to me, just like that? Is this some kind of joke? Are you playing with me? Do you know how much you hurt me?” Jinyoung sobbed, hitting Jaebum’s chest with every sentence that came out of his mouth. Instead on his chest, Jaebum felt his heart hurt at how heartbroken Jinyoung looked. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jinyoung again, ignoring Jinyoung’s struggle to push him away.

“I’m sorry, I’m such a coward,” Jaebum said, and Jinyoung finally stopped struggling.

“You’re so cruel, you know that?”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Jaebum stroked Jinyoung’s back gently, trying to calm him down. Jinyoung didn’t make any move to push him away again, so Jaebum let him cried his eyes off on his shoulder. After his sobs has finally hushed down, Jaebum pulled away a little so he could capture Jinyoung’s eyes in his.

“So, would you accept me?” Jaebum asked. Jinyoung sniffled.

“Of course, idiot.”

And the moon that serenely lighted the hollow of his heart had come back.

 

\--

 

Jaebum woke up, blinded by the sunlight that passed through the window. He squinted his eyes, confused wondering where he was and why he slept being squeezed between cold, hard wall and something of total opposite. He wanted to turn his body against the bright sun, but he couldn’t move his right arm. There was something weighing his arm down, and it felt numb. He blinked his open to find Jinyoung’s sleeping face, peaceful and still.

Beautiful. So beautiful that he almost believed he was still dreaming.

It wasn’t the first time Jaebum thought Jinyoung was beautiful, he always did. However he would never admit it before, dismissing the thought as fast as it appeared. Admitting it would mean he consider the boy attractive, and he would fall for him. Which he did anyway.

He reached out his free hand, feeling the tips of his fingers against Jinyoung’s fair skin, as lightly as possible so he wouldn’t wake the other up. Then he moved to the charcoal hair, flowing softly between his fingers, so dark it contrasted against his light skin, which also made the shadow below his eyes even more visible, meaning he had been losing sleep just like Jaebum. He remembered their conversation the night before.

_ “Aren’t you afraid? Of that dream?” Jaebum asked, wondering how Jinyoung could be as bright and cheerful as he was when the dream of his own death haunting him. They were lying cramped up on Jinyoung’s single bed, but none of them minded it. They were happy to be so close with each other. Jinyoung, who rested his head on Jaebum’s arm with his own on the other’s waist, pulled away enough so he could see Jaebum’s face, and smiled. _

_ “Of course I am. But I tried to cope up with it, everyone’s going to die sooner or later anyway. I don’t wanna live the rest of my life in fear, I want to do it without regret. That’s why I confessed to you. I thought it’s gonna be my biggest regret if you never knew my feelings, or even knew me at all. I wanted you to at least remember me, remember my name, remember my face.” _

_ “But it turned out better than I’ve ever dared to hope for,” the corner of Jinyoung’s mouth rose up, his eyes disappeared and crinkles was formed around them in return. The smile Jaebum missed with his whole heart. “You accepted me. You don’t know how happy I am when you showed up at that coffee shop. You don’t know how happy I am that I have the chance to be with you.” _

_ “However,” Jinyoung added, and Jaebum frowned when the smile faded a little. He could feel Jinyoung’s hand clenched tightly on the fabric of his hoodie. “I become greedier because of it. The things I want to do with you keep appearing, so much that I’m afraid I would be gone before I’m able to do it all. Sometimes I’m so happy beyond belief that I become so scared of leaving, thinking I don’t wanna die.” _

_ Tears started to build up on Jinyoung’s eyes, reminding him of ones the other shed on his birthday, how pained he looked. The memory and the sight before him crushed his heart, and he caressed Jinyoung’s cheek gently. _

_ “You won’t. You won’t die.” _

_ Jinyoung smiled again. “Just so you know, I had it worst when you broke up with me. I’m so afraid I would have to leave the world without seeing you, touching you, and hearing your voice again. So don’t ever do that again.” _

_ Jaebum pulled Jinyoung closer and hugged him tightly. “I won’t, I promise.” _

Jaebum grimaced as he felt pin and needles stabbing his right arm as Jinyoung’s head shifted on it. When Jinyoung slowly opened his eyes he quickly changed it into a smile.

“Good morning.”

Jinyoung rubbed his eyes, and when he finally saw his face, he beamed up brightly. “Morning.”

He shifted to move closer to Jaebum, but stopped when he saw the other winced. Jinyoung quickly sat up with a worried expression on his face.

“What happened?”

Jaebum chuckled and patted Jinyoung’s arm, trying to reassure him. “Don’t worry, my arm is just sleeping on me.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened in realization. “Sorry, you should’ve just pushed me away,” he said guiltily.

“No way,” Jaebum said, smiling softly, “I like having you in my arms.”

Rosy tinge blossomed on Jinyoung’s cheeks as he smiled bashfully, the sight Jaebum missed so much. He laid his fine hand on it, and Jinyoung leaned to the touch, holding it with his own.

“You know, I’m so happy right now it feels like a dream. I never thought there would come a time when I wake up in the morning and the first thing I see is your face,” Jinyoung turned his head slightly to meet the palm of Jaebum’s hand with his lips. “I love you so much.”

Jaebum slid his hand down to Jinyoung’s nape and pulled him forward to rest his head on his chest. “I love you too.”

Jinyoung’s chuckled. “I still find it hard to believe that. I’ve always been thinking that I’m fine with you having no romantic feelings toward me as long as I can stay by your side, so the idea of you loving me seemed out of question. Are you sure you love me?”

Jaebum sighed. Jinyoung’s stubbornness was like a double edged sword. He stood firm on what he believed, and chased after what he wanted tirelessly. However, once he deemed something as impossible, it was hard to make him thought otherwise. Jaebum finally could feel his arm again, and he used both of his hands to turn their position around. Jinyoung, who was now beneath him, looked surprised. And before the other could say anything, he closed the gap between them and kissed him.

Jinyoung’s lips felt soft and moist as their mouths melted together. Jaebum gently caressed them with his own, slow, long-lasting, and heartfelt. He didn’t rush, wanting to engulf the other with each feelings he put into every kiss. He wanted Jinyoung to drown in his heart so he could see the depth of the love Jaebum had toward him.

When Jaebum finally pulled away, he pressed his forehead against Jinyoung, their noses touching. He waited for Jinyoung to open his eyes, and when he did, Jaebum grinned.

“Do you believe me now?”

Jinyoung’s face softened into a genuine smile. “Yes.”

Their lips met again, and Jaebum said, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought some people might be triggered with these talk of death, so I put up those tags. Please tell me if there's any tags I should add. Thanks!
> 
> Anyway, I think there's going to be two or three chapter before it completed. And I really love Mark's personality in this fic, so I'm thinking about making his own fic with Jackson as a spin-off. What do you think?


	7. Extra - Green and Gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Markson everyone! Instead of a spin-off, I decided to make them an extra. Hope you like it!

Jackson slammed the door to his apartment open and stormed into the room. He could still heard it being closed softly through the ringing rage in his ear. He burned in anger with every steps he took. On the contrary, the sound of footsteps that followed behind him was quiet. Mark had always been that way, and his presence alone could make Jackson feel calm and relaxed. But not this time. It only made him feel more irritated and impatient.

“Now tell me, why can’t I find Jaebum and punch him on the face? Why did you stop me?” Jackson roared in fury as he shooting fire at the other’s expressionless face.

“It’s not your place to meddle in their affair, Jackson.”

“Why? He selfishly hurt Jinyoung! My best friend! I have every right to do that!”

“It might not like what it seems. Jaebum is hurting too, Jackson, I can see it. There must be something you, me, and Jinyoung don’t know. He must’ve had a reason to do that.” There was a slight sadness passing through the pair of eyes that looked back at Jackson, and it infuriated him even more.  _ How can he sympathize with that jerk? Why is he taking Jaebum’s side, not mine? I am his boyfriend, not him! _

“What reason? No reason could justify his selfish act! Why can’t you just admit he is an asshole that only played with Jinyoung’s feelings? There’s no possible explanation other than that! And now he have the guts to act like he was hurting as much as Jinyoung? He’s just a heartless, manipulative bastard!”

Mark’s gaze darkened. “Watch your mouth, Jackson,” he said with a dangerously low voice, “I understand why you’re angry, but you have no right to say that. You don’t know anything about him. He is the last person in this earth who would do something like that.”

Jackson should’ve took it as a warning, yet he ignored it and snickered. “Of course, you always knows him the best, he’s all you care about. Jaebum is perfect, he would never do wrong, right? Jinyoung should feel lucky he could be his boyfriend even only for a while. And you’re so smart you’re always right about everything. Why don’t you go out with Jaebum instead?”

Only when a loud bang echoed in the room Jackson realized he went too far. Mark’s fist landed on the wall, his chest and shoulder rose and fell heavily. He clenched his jaw tightly, and he pierced Jackson’s heart with his glare, ireful and hurt.

“I won’t let you insult me and  _ my  _ best friend on my face, Jackson, and I’m not gonna put up with this useless argument. Like I said, you don’t know anything about him, and it turns out you don’t know me as well as I thought you do,” he said, letting his fist fell to his side. Three spots of crimson red stained the olive wall where his knuckles were. Jackson’s eyes widened in horror and concern, and he grabbed the other’s scraped hand in reflex. “Mark, your hand…”

His sentence was cut as Mark jerk his hand off of his grip. The rejection caught him off guard and before he could say anything, Mark muttered a bye and left him alone with his guilt. He slumped back into the couch.

Now he had done it. He let his jealousy and insecurities got the better out of him in his anger. He had always been jealous of Jaebum. He envied the years Jaebum spent with Mark that only the two of them knew. He disliked the fact Jaebum knew the Mark he didn’t know, that Jaebum knew Mark better than he was. He hated the times Mark told him he was worried about Jaebum. And he detested himself for feeling that way when Jaebum was also his friend.

He just couldn’t help feeling anxieties growing inside him. He was scared Mark would eventually think that Jaebum could understand him better than Jackson. He feared with how much Mark felt concerned over Jaebum his importance only stood on second place in Mark’s heart. He knew he was being petty, when he also had a friend that always with him way before Jaebum knew Mark. But even that was feeding on his uneasiness as he felt that Mark didn’t love him enough to feel the way he did.

That was just how he always was, living with constant trivial insecurities which he hid behind his jolly and outgoing behavior. They weren’t his facade or shield or anything but his true personality. Being around people truly made him happy and brushed away his gloomy thoughts. That was why he loved to socialize, because when he was alone, his anxieties would eat him alive, like what people actually thought about him. Was he too noisy? Was he annoying? Did everyone only acted like they loved being around him when they actually fed up with him?

However, Mark was different. When being around others made him feel triumphantly joyful, Mark’s calmness soothed him in a way no one ever did. Mark always said whatever was in his mind, stood firm in what was right and wrong, and he never lied, whether it was sweet or bitter, so Jackson never doubt him. Mark was mature and reliable it made Jackson wanted to depend on someone for the first time. When he told him all his insecurities, Mark only listened to him quietly. He never said empty comforting words, there was never a slight of pity in his eyes. He only said, “Thanks for telling me,” before he hugged him, and Jackson felt safe in his arms, all his worries dissipated. That was why he loved Mark.

As his love for Mark deepened, the amount of insecurities concerning Mark increased, and those were the things he couldn’t tell Mark. He was afraid Mark would leave him if he knew everything. He had no means to make it go away, so it grew inside him. It kept growing stems and tendrils, snaking its way around his heart, binding it tightly. But now, thanks to it slipping out in his spite, it seemed like it could become reality. Mark might leave him. He clenched his hand over his aching heart as he curled on the couch, wailing in regret.

 

\--

 

“Let’s grab something to eat, I’m hungry,” said Mark as he slung his bag on his shoulder. The class had just ended, and most of the students were doing the same as him. Jaebum stared at him, frowning before he sighed.

“Mark, it’s been more than a week, almost two weeks even, since last time I saw you with Jackson. You haven’t made up yet?”

Mark didn’t answer. Yeah, it had been twelve days since the fight, to be exact. He knew, he was counting while missing the other each days.

“What happened between you two actually? You even hurt your hand,” Jaebum said, glancing at the scabs still marring his hand, which he quickly hid inside his pocket.

“Nothing important, don’t mind it,” Mark tried to shrug it off. However, Jaebum wouldn’t have it.

“Tell me, is it because of me?” Jaebum curved his mouth to a smile that was both sad and relinquished, “He’s mad at me, right? I know he’s gonna be.”

“...yeah.” Mark wondered why he even contemplating on saying the truth or not when he already knew what he was going to do anyway. Sometimes he wanted to curse himself for not being able to lie. However, no matter how much he thought about it, he would always choose to say the truth anytime. He just hated lying more than anything.

“Why did you have to fight because of something like that? You know he have the right to get mad at me,” Jaebum frowned even deeper. Mark sighed.

“Well, I do understand why he was angry, that’s not why I’m upset. However it doesn’t justify him accusing you whatever he wants. I can’t stand him judging you like that when he doesn’t know what you’ve been going through. You would never hurt Jinyoung like that without reason, am I right?”

Sadness was painted all over the eyes beneath the curtain of pitch-black hair that was casted down. “You’re right, but I still don’t deserve your trust. It’s because of my selfishness that I broke his heart.”

“Well, you might be right, but I also know that you honestly don’t want to be separated from him. That breaking up with Jinyoung hurts you as much as it does to him,” Mark said, putting his hand on Jaebum’s shoulder. “Look at you, you’re nowhere near fine. You looks like your soul had left you to become the empty shell you are before you met Jinyoung, if not worse. You know, the time you were with him, was the first time I saw your eyes looked so alive since Youngjae left.”

Jaebum smiled bitterly in acknowledgment. “If you’re the one who say that, then there’s no way it’s not the truth.”

Mark’s gaze softened, feeling his heart breaking seeing his best friend looking so frail. “You love him,” he said. He didn’t say it because he just realized it, no, he knew it since long ago. With how Jaebum looked and smiled at Jinyoung it was impossible for him not to notice it, maybe even before Jaebum himself became aware of it. He just wanted to tell Jaebum that he knew, so he didn’t have the need to burden himself to tell him that. Mark understood that with his past and his personality, it was going to be hard for him to admit he fell in love with Jinyoung to someone else. He was the one who always thought that he didn’t have the right to love anyone, afterall.

Jaebum looked back at Mark again. When he did, his eyes were brimming with the pain, the sorrow, and the longing he felt in his heart. And even though it wasn’t a question, he still answered, “I do,” in a brittle voice, as if he wanted so much to let it out because it weighed his heart so heavily and it was too to bear it all alone. He seemed like he was about to broke down. Mark pulled his right hand to wrap it with both of his own and rub it gently.

“I won’t push you to tell me your reason for breaking up with Jinyoung. Just know that when everything feels too hard, I’ll always be there to listen.”

It was faint, but it was still there, the sincere smile that was formed on Jaebum’s lips. “Thanks. And as much as I’m grateful you’re standing up for me, I still think that it’s better that you make up with Jackson. I don’t want to be the cause of your fight. I know you miss him, Mark. You’ve been looking at your phone way more frequent than before, and you’re just staring without doing anything. Just call him. And you know yourself how sensitive and insecure he could be. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me anymore.”

Mark didn’t need to think much to know Jaebum was right. That was also what he had been worried about. Only his stubbornness held him back from calling or seeing Jackson. And the other thing Jaebum got right was how much he missed Jackson. He missed him so much it hurt.

“I will.”

 

\--

 

Jackson lay unmoved on his bed, staring at the ceiling as the room echoed sappy love songs that flowed through the small speaker beside his bed. He was still clad in his sleeping attire, black t-shirt and boxers, his jaw rough with the growing bristle of unshaven facial hair. He didn’t feel like cleaning himself up, didn’t feel like eating, didn’t feel like doing anything at all. There was only one thing he wanted.

Mark.

The days Jackson spent without seeing Mark, not knowing whether the crimson haired male he loved so much would come back to him again or not, seemed like a torture. He found it hard to breathe, and he truly felt like he was suffocating with fear. He knew he should’ve gone to Mark, begging for his forgiveness no matter what it took. Yet what if Mark rejected his apology and thought he had enough of him? It would really be the end, and it was what he was afraid the most. That was why he still hadn’t made any attempt to see or even call Mark. He knew he was being a coward, but he just couldn’t.

Despite his fear, his longing toward Mark was also growing immensely deep he felt like drowning in the pool of despair. He missed Mark so much that he started wearing Mark’s clothes that were left behind at his place. Mark always wore oversized clothes, which became quite a fit on his bulky frame. It gained him weird glances from his friends since all Mark’s clothes were bright colored while he only wore black, but he didn’t care. Being around his friends couldn’t bring him joy again. Only Mark could.

He didn’t even have anyone to lean on anymore. Beside Mark, the only one he could tell about his problems was Jinyoung. However, he knew very well that he couldn’t depend on Jinyoung this time, the guy already had enough on his plate right now. He had been so sad and upset since the break up, and if he know Jackson and Mark were fighting because of him, he would feel guilty and it would add to his burden. So he blamed it all on Jaebum and resented him more, even though he knew it was wrong. Again he was just doing what made Mark mad at him to begin with, and it made him feel even more guilty.

Despite the rather high volume of the song he played, he could still hear the door of this apartment being knocked. He ignored it, not wanting to deal with the neighbors’ complaints over the noise he made. After a while, the knocking stopped, and he sighed in relief. But then it was his phone’s turn to ring.

He grunted in annoyance, reaching for his phone. He dragged his thumb over the green symbol he had known by instinct without looking at the phone, and put it on his ear.

“Hello?” he said, not hiding his irritation. However, the voice that came through the speaker was the familiar one he never expected to hear, yet it made his heart clenched from yearning for hearing it too much.

“Open the door.”

Jackson got up in a flash, running to the door still holding his phone over his ear. He opened the door, revealing the person who made his heart ache for taking every curves of the beautiful feature with his eyes, hearing the melodious voice embraced his ears, feeling the warmth of the velvety skin against his own, inhaling the sweetest scent he ever smelled and filled his lungs with it. He didn’t realize he was just staring for a whole minute, frozen on the doorstep, until Mark broke the silence and said, “Can I come in?”

Jackson still couldn’t find his voice amidst his astonishment, and like a robot he just stepped aside to let the guy in without a word. A mass of crimson silky hair swaying in front of Jackson’s eyes as he passed him by, and wanted so, so bad to touch it, missing how it felt on his fingers. He absent-mindedly tailed Mark to the living room after closing the door, still too stunned with Mark’s unexpected appearance. However, he was jolted to a stop when suddenly Mark turned around and face him, capturing Jackson’s gaze with his own.

“Don’t you have something to say to me?”

Jackson was taken aback by the question. For a moment he didn’t understand what the other meant, until he remembered the cause of his suffering for more than a week, and his mistake. He casted his eyes down with guilt, and said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that no matter how much I’m mad at Jaebum. And I even said those bad things to you. I’m so sorry.”

He closed his eyes, afraid of what would come next. Then to his surprise, he felt a pair of slender arms circling around his waist, and the next moment he felt strands of sleek hair tickling his cheek, with the sweet scent of apple he had became very familiar of hitting his nose.

“I forgive you,” he heard Mark said. He felt his eyes brimming with tears of relief as he wrapped his own arms around Mark tightly and pulled him closer, craving to feel every inch of his lover against him. Mark leaned back a bit to press his lips against Jackson’s and he felt lightheaded like he was dreaming, still found it hard to believe. Mark pulled away, smiling, and Jackson’s world brightened in a way even the sun couldn’t.

“Took you long enough to say that. I’ve been waiting, you know,” Mark said as he wiped the the tears that managed to escape Jackson’s cheek, trickling down his cheek. He caught the hand with his own, surprised to feel a part of it rough against his palm. He pulled it down and turned it over to find the hard layer of dry blood scattered over the usually unblemished skin, and he felt regret crumpling his heart.

“I’m sorry. I’m afraid that after the fight you would think you’ve had enough of me, and everything would end the moment you see me. I don’t want it,” he said timidly.

Mark’s eyes widened before squinting in disbelief. “What? You think I’m such a narrow minded person to leave you after just one fight?”

“No! Of course not!” Jackson quickly said, “It’s just me and my fear. I don’t have the confidence that I deserve you, that you would want to stay with me. I don’t even know what you see in me to say you love me.”

Mark’s gaze softened as he raised his free hand to gently stroke Jackson’s hair, all the way to his cheek. “You’re precious as you are, Jackson. You’re sweet, caring, and gentle. You painted colors in my grayscale world. After meeting you, I realized how dull my life is. You balances me, being the total opposite of me. You care about all the people around you, you make everyone happy just with your presence. You always reach out your hand first, no matter who they are, to get to know them better. Not many people can do that, you know? Whenever you’re crushed by your fears, it leaves me frustrated because why can’t you see the amazing person you are? I’m glad that you’re the person I fall for, and I’m proud that such an incredible person loves me back.”

Jackson was overly stunned by the confession, and he couldn’t find a word to say. He never thought that Mark thought of him that way, and he found it too good to believe. However, Mark didn’t do lie, he knew that very well, so no matter how much he doubted it he knew it was all true. Mark chuckled, his eyes giving away the conflict he had inside him. Mark kissed him again.

“Don’t think too much. The only thing you have to believe in is that I love you the most, and nothing in this world can change it. I will say it no matter how many times it takes until you completely believe me. I love you, Jackson Wang, I really do.”

Jackson let the corner of his mouth rose. He never felt his heart as light as it had ever been before. He leaned forward, sighing in happiness when his lips met with another pair, the taste he had been missing so much these past week.

“I love you too, Mark Tuan, more than anyone else in this world.”


	8. Second Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excited because I finally able to update and GOT7's title song this comeback is soo good >w<  
> This fic finally reaches its eighth chapter, the longest I've ever written *banzai* This fic was supposed to end way much earlier but it turn out this way. Thanks for your interest on this fic! Anyway, as always, enjoy reading :))

The days were getting colder and colder, and the wind no longer brought reddish-brown leaves along with its flow, but the small hueless frozen crystals. Thicker, heavier clothes were getting out of the wardrobes to see the cloudy sky, marking the arrival of another winter Jaebum used to like. Since the nightmare and the image of blood staining the pure white snow started haunting him though, he dreaded it.

If he could, he wanted to confine Jinyoung in his place and never let him go out at all throughout the winter. However Jinyoung had classes to attend, and he hated being trapped at home just because of fear from what might happen. Rather, he had been dragging Jaebum everywhere, saying that he wanted to go on dates to do things he had always been wanting to do when he had a boyfriend.

“But you were fine just spending time leisurely in my place before,” Jaebum once protested.

“Back then I was cautious of not making you feel annoyed with me!” Jinyoung retorted. “I thought I had no right to ask for anything from you, since you were already kind enough to stay with me even though you didn’t know anything about me and had no feelings for me. I was scared you would leave me. But this time you’re with me because you love me, and you promised you would never leave me again. Only now I truly feel like I have a boyfriend, so I just wanted to be more selfish. Why, I can’t?”

Jaebum frowned at the bright smile flashed before him at that time, but when Jinyoung started to pout and look at him like a sad puppy, he gave up. And thanks to that, Jinyoung didn’t restrain himself anymore to drag Jaebum to every famous dating spot he knew. They went to the zoo and aquarium like other couple. They visited all kind of themed cafe, such as hello kitty cafe (where all the customers were girls giving them weird stares Jaebum wanted to hide and disappear), psychology cafe (where he felt like taking an exam answering almost one hundred questionnaire and Jinyoung cheerfully said, “See, we’re completely compatible!” when the result came out which somehow made him more clingy the rest of the day) and cafes with any kind of animals possible like cat cafe (where Jinyoung sulked all day because Jaebum was too immersed playing with the cats and ignored him).

They also crafted their self-made couple rings with their name written on it at an underground workshop which Jinyoung threatened Jaebum he would refuse to talk to him everytime he didn’t wear it. They screamed at the top on their lungs on every rides at the amusement park, and ended it with a calm ride on the ferris wheel. They went up to Namsan Tower where Jinyoung forced him to write ‘cute message’ for him on one side of a small lock and put it on the fence after Jinyoung finished writing on the other side. They even did couple bungee jumping where Jaebum yelled excitedly while Jinyoung shut his eyes closed with paled face, and when Jaebum wanted to do it the second time, Jinyoung firmly refused.

Those dates were actually fun though, mostly because seeing Jinyoung’s ecstatic smile and laugh made the happiest moment of his life, he often forgot about the dream. He didn’t even have that nightmare anymore. He didn’t know if it was because he was too tired by the time he arrived home that he just fell into deep slumber the second his head touched the pillow, or because he slept breathing Jinyoung’s scent and feeling Jinyoung’s warmth in his arms every night, bringing him sense of peacefulness like nothing else could. And seeing the way Jinyoung smiled sleepily and snuggled closer to him everytime he waited for the other to wake up, admiring the exquisite sleeping face God had crafted in front of him, he believed Jinyoung also didn’t have the dream anymore. He never asked, since they never talked about it anymore.

Jinyoung practically lived at his apartment since they were getting back together. The vacant space in his wardrobe started being occupied by Jinyoung’s clothes, even though the charcoal haired man still often wore Jaebum’s clothes like it was his own, when they were all too big for him. Paired things started appearing on every corner of his apartment, such as toothbrushes, mugs, plates, bowls, slippers, and others. Jinyoung had tried to cook once, but after he managed to burn the pot black and since then Jaebum never let him cook again.

Everyday was a bliss for Jaebum, and he fell even deeper for Jinyoung each day. However, deep inside his heart, he was still feeling guilty for being sinfully happy with the one he loved. He still felt like he didn’t deserve feeling so happy, he didn’t deserve to love someone. So without realizing he never initiated skinships toward Jinyoung since they started dating again, he only touched the other when Jinyoung touched him first. He just smiled blissfully in his ignorance beside Jinyoung, didn’t aware of the insecurities that kept growing inside the one he loved the most.

 

\--

 

Jaebum walked down the street to his place by himself, one of the rare occasion where he didn’t walk home with Jinyoung. The literature student said he had to look for reference books at the campus library for his essay, and it seemed like it was going to take long. That was why when Jaebum told him he was going to wait, Jinyoung told him to just go home, buy groceries on the way and that food had to be ready to eat on the table by the time he got home which made Jaebum thought maybe he had spoiled his boyfriend too much. And the contents of the bags straining his muscles as he climbed the steep pavement might be one of the proof.

Jinyoung had always enjoyed western food so much, but he never ate it with Jaebum since the latter didn’t like it that much. He mostly hated creamy food like pasta, but unfortunately that was what he was going to make tonight. He felt bad that Jinyoung had to hold back on eating the food he liked, so he browsed the recipe and studied it a few days ago. He just hoped it wouldn’t taste weird since it was his first time cooking something beside Korean dishes. And that was why it took him long to pick the ingredients, by the time he left the supermarket the sun had already about to be swallowed by the horizon.

He shuddered as the cold wind hit him. These days it seemed the winter had reached its peak. It had been snowing everyday for a week, as it might be today. Jaebum always tried to make excuses for not going out on those evenings. Luckily Jinyoung just accepted those excuses, no matter how absurd they were. Maybe it was his way of reassuring Jaebum, or deep down he was actually as scared as he was. It was his own life afterall.

Jaebum looked up at the blue sky that was soaked by pink and orange, the dream he had the night before came flashing before his eyes. It was different from the nightmares that usually haunting his sleep, it wasn’t even a nightmare. However, the dream was heartbreakingly sad, tugging at his feelings. Jinyoung was sitting there on his knees by the floor, both hands covered his face. Yet Jaebum still knew that he was crying from the sobbing sounds he made and the way his body violently shaking from the force, and he was wailing Jaebum’s name. Jaebum wanted to get close, hug, and comfort Jinyoung, or at least responding to his call, but like his other dreams he couldn’t do anything than just watching the heart-wrenching scene before him until he wake up with tears streaming down his face. That was another reason why he decided to make pasta. He wanted to make Jinyoung happy, no matter how little it was.

As soon as he was arrived home, he changed his clothes and started cooking. He opened the recipe he found online on his phone and put it on the counter. He took out what he needed from the grocery bags and put the rest on their place before started preparing the ingredients following the recipe. The constant chopping sound that filled the room was calming, taking his mind of off the sad dream. As the recipe told him, he cooked the bacon first. After that, he boil the pasta in a pot. While waiting, he put out a medium-sized bowl and mixed egg yolks, cream, and Parmesan he had shredded before with a whisk. After the pasta was done, he drained the water and left the pasta in the pot. All that left to do was to put them together in the pot, so he decided to do it when Jinyoung already got home so it wouldn’t get soggy.

He didn’t know what to do while waiting for Jinyoung, so he settled on reading a book. He went to his room to search for a book he might want to reread, since he had finished all the books he had and hadn’t buy a new one again, waiting for when Jinyoung wasn’t so busy anymore so they could choose a few together. However, as he scanned the books, his hand moved to a worn out book at the very bottom of the bookshelf. He opened it to find the boy he once loved looking at him with a sunny smile forever plastered on his face, a lifeless replica printed on a piece of paper that could never match the brightness of the real one. He took out the photo with one hand while holding the book with the other, his eyes never leaving Youngjae’s own.

Every effort he made to make Jinyoung happy reminded him of Youngjae, that he should’ve do it for him in the past. Back then he was only a foolish and selfish brat, didn’t know how to treasure the ones he loved. He learned his lesson the hardest way possible. He wondered if Youngjae ever felt happy when he was with him. Maybe if he didn’t get tangled up with a hotheaded teenager like Jaebum, he would still be there, loved by someone caring happily. And Jaebum could love Jinyoung without being restrained by guilt every second.

He did try his best to make Jinyoung happy, treating him preciously like he never did to Youngjae. However, because of his dream last night, he wondered whether Jinyoung truly felt happy with him. If he did, he would never cry with so much sorrow like that, and he was pretty sure it was because of him. Did he fail to make his lover happy again? And what if he also failed to protect the most important person for him the second time?

His heart ached terribly at the thought. A few drops of tears escaped his eyes as he pressed his forehead against the photo.

“I know it’s shameful of me to ask you, but can you ask God to keep Jinyoung safe? I love him so much, even though I know I don’t have the right to, after what I did to you. I don’t care what happened to me as long as he’s alive,” Jaebum pleaded in agony. “Please don’t let me make the same mistake I did to you, Youngjae, I beg you.”

Jaebum was too immersed in his feelings he didn’t realize someone entered his apartment. Only when the person opened the door to his bedroom that he was snapped out of his thought and without thinking he put the photo back into the book and closed it.

“Hey, why don’t you answer me if you’re home? I’ve been calling...” Jinyoung stopped talking, worry painted over his face. “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Jaebum wiped his tears with the back of his hand, foolishly the one holding the book, bringing it into Jinyoung’s attention. “Just wait a for a moment, okay? I’ll prepare the food…”

“So you really do still love Youngjae, huh?” Jinyoung asked, sounding like he didn’t expect any answer, like he only said what he had confirmed. Jaebum’s heart clenched at seeing the other looking so sad and hurt, he quickly try to clear the misunderstanding.

“No, you’re wrong! I’ve told you already that I love you. Don’t you believe me?”

Jinyoung smiled bitterly, “I trust you. I know you didn’t lie when you said you love me. But maybe it’s not as much as the love you have for Youngjae.”

Jaebum was speechless, couldn’t grasp how Jinyoung could think that way when he loved him so much. “That’s not true!”

“Do you think I won’t notice? You never touch me first. When you did, it was like you’re only responding to what I did to you, but you never initiated it. You never went further than a kiss. Heck, you even never kiss me anymore since that morning after we got back together unless I was the one who kissed you first. And when things got heated up, you became tense. What could it mean beside that you have someone else in your mind?”

By the time Jinyoung finished talking, tears had already streamed down his cheeks. Only then Jaebum realized that Jinyoung was right, although not for the reason he stated. Everything was his fault. “Let me explain. That was…”

“You don’t need to make any excuse Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, cutting him off as he wiped his cheeks. “It’s not your fault. It’s just that since I know you love me, I become greedier. But I guess the living really can’t win against the dead.”

“Jinyoung, that’s not it…” Jaebum reached to hold Jinyoung hand, but the latter pulled his hand away.

“I think I better go back to my own place for tonight,” he said. And he left.

For a moment Jaebum stayed still, the hand Jinyoung rejected before still hanging on the air. He felt so numb, but at the same time he also felt a great pain piercing through him, shattering his heart into pieces, left him paralyzed. He wanted to run after Jinyoung, begging for forgiveness and chance to explain, yet his legs wouldn’t move. He didn’t have the right to do that since he had failed, for a second time, to make the one he loved happy.

Maybe he really was incapable of making anyone happy. Maybe he should’ve kept on his decision to stay away from Jinyoung. Maybe Jinyoung was better off without him. Maybe he should’ve stay alone forever like he had intended before he met Jinyoung, so he couldn’t hurt anyone. So maybe it was for the better he didn’t chase after Jinyoung. However, those thoughts immediately disappeared the second he turned his head and looked outside the window.

He grabbed whatever jacket within his reach and put it on as he dashed out of his apartment. He ignored the cold that bit his slippered feet and the falling snow that nested on his hair. He ran as fast as possible, frantically searching for the back view of white jacket and charcoal hair, wishing his fear was all wrong. When he found Jinyoung at last, he walking across a deserted road alone. But when he looked to the other side, to his terror there was a posh car running slightly zigzagged with a dangerously high speed at Jinyoung’s direction, most likely driven by a drunk.

He quickened his pace, racing against the speed of the car. He screamed Jinyoung’s name, trying to call him of no avail. By the time he reached Jinyoung, the car was only about two meters away from them. Without thinking he shoved Jinyoung with all his might, as far as possible, before a solid force pushed against him. One moment he was rolling over the hood, next he was floating mid air, and finally he was sprawled on the hard asphalt, drowning in the world of pain.

His body was aching all over he couldn’t move a finger. His ears were ringing loudly, he couldn’t hear anything else. He tried gasping for breath, yet it felt like nothing went in. His mind was clouded by agony. That was, until Jinyoung’s face came into his line of sight.

Despite the excruciating pain, he was still able to feel relief because Jinyoung was safe. And he could still feel his heart tugged when he saw tears pouring out from his beloved, the pair of lips mouthing his name desperately. He wanted so bad to wipe his tears, but his body won’t move. He tried so hard to answer him, yet no voice came out. This helplessness reminded him of his dream the night before. He finally realized that those dreams was trying to led them to this conclusion, where Jinyoung could be alive, the opposite from the nightmare they had been having. Those dream guide him to save Jinyoung, to change his fate. Maybe this was the second chance heaven granted for him, and he couldn’t be more grateful. He tried to hold on as long as he could so he was able to watch Jinyoung for a little bit longer. However when the darkness finally swallowed him, he closed his eyes with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As few of you asked me, I kept Jinyoung alive. He was supposed to be the one being hit by the car since the moment I thought of this story, but I changed it halfway, just like many other things. Thanks for reading :))


	9. So Close, So Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thinking I might not be able to update next week so I hurried this new chapter. Enjoy reading and hope you like it :))

Jaebum would never get bored of watching Jinyoung’s sleeping face. He could even do that all night long. He couldn’t stop admiring how the moonlight rained on his relaxed face, creating the contrast that sharpened his features. His mouth slightly parted which was cute. His chest slowly rose and fell along with the breath he took. Jaebum couldn’t help but smiling. However, when Jinyoung woke up, it disappeared.

Jinyoung never greeted him with his sleepy smile anymore as soon as he opened his eyes. He wouldn’t even look at him. And the pair of orbs that was revealed by the eyelids contained deep hollowness Jaebum wanted so much to erase, yet couldn’t. It crushed his heart how Jinyoung still couldn’t get over the past. It pained him that Jinyoung was still hurting from the memories. He hated how it made Jinyoung stopped smiling beside a few strained smile that occasionally showed up on his face.

He watched as Jinyoung sat up and got off the bed, ignoring his existence. Instead, he exited the room and looked for Nora, followed by Jaebum. He brought her in his arms to where her food were kept. He put her down and feed her from his hand. Jaebum was relieved to see him finally sincerely smile when he did that, though he was also slightly jealous of Nora for being able to bring the expression out of Jinyoung when he couldn’t. Jinyoung pat her head and went to bathroom. Jaebum sat on the sofa as he listened to the muffled sound of water falling against the floor. Nora meowed at him and curled up beside him, her eyes never leaving his.

Half an hour later, they were walking down the street, Jaebum one step behind Jinyoung. The sky was clear, and the sun was shining brightly. Piles of cherry blossom petals brought by the wind were scattered on each side of the road. A glint of light reflected by a pair of metal accessories adorning Jinyoung’s ear. It was one of Jaebum’s. He never knew why Jinyoung suddenly pierced his ears a few months ago when he declared that he would never intentionally make a hole on any part of his body no matter what before. And even though he pierced his ears, he never bought any earrings. He only wore Jaebum’s. Well, Jaebum never asked.

Both their ears were free from earphones, since Jinyoung had stopped listening to music. Jaebum missed those moments when they would strolled around side by side with their ears plugged by the music they listened to together, humming to it. He knew music reminded Jinyoung of the accident, the reason he couldn’t hear Jaebum calling his name. It agitated Jaebum to think that the thing they used to love before made Jinyoung upset, so he wouldn’t say anything. He just silently trailing Jinyoung steps as he went inside a cafe.

Jinyoung had officially moved into Jaebum’s place a while after the accident, so it would only be fair to call it theirs. Since then, though, Jinyoung never ate at home. He even became a frequent customer to this cafe they were in since it was so close to their place. Every morning, he would order light breakfast and ate while looking absentmindedly outside the window, watching people passing by. He didn’t eat as much as he used to, and he seemed much thinner lately. Jinyoung used to feasted on his homemade meals and stuffed his mouth full, very much unlike the way he was eating his croissant now. It broke Jaebum’s heart to see him this way.

Jinyoung paid the bill and they exited the cafe. Jinyoung didn’t say anything, but Jaebum already knew where they were going. It was always the same place everyday, and Jinyoung would stay there all day, if not a few days. Jinyoung had always liked spring from all weather, so Jaebum hoped he would take his time outside before confining himself in that small, depressing place. He wished Jinyoung would look up at the bright, beautiful blue sky, and smiled like he always did. However, Jinyoung’s eyes were always casted down at the pavement they were walking on, and only sighed every fifteen minutes or so until they reached their destination.

The glass door slid open as they stepped in. They walked straight to the elevator, fortunately opened as soon as Jinyoung pressed the button. There were only two of them inside, and it remained that way until the third floor, where they were supposed to get off. Jinyoung’s face got gloomier the more steps they took. Jaebum, hating that look on Jinyoung, wanted to drag him away from here, but he knew he couldn’t. The only thing  he could do was tailing Jinyoung without a sound.

A constant beeping sound ringing their eardrums as soon as Jinyoung opened a door at the end of the corridor, revealing the back view of Mark’s red hair, flamed by the sunlight. Mark turned around on his chair at the sound and smiled, a little bit brighter than Jinyoung’s strained one and reassuring.

“Is there any change?” Jinyoung asked, slightly hopeful. Mark only sighed and shook his head. He seemed tired, dark circles shadowed his eyes. Like Jinyoung, he also looked a little bit thinner, something Jaebum thought was impossible when he was already so thin before. Jinyoung forced a wider smile.

“It’s okay, Mark, he will wake up soon. You should go home Mark, you look so tired. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“Okay,” Mark agreed. “I’ll come back later, maybe in the evening with Jackson.” He stood up, gathered his things, and pat Jinyoung’s shoulder before he left. Now that Mark no longer sitting there, Jaebum could clearly see the side profile of the person sleeping on the only bed in the room, a face identical to his, only paler. Jaebum could never get used of seeing all those tubes and wires that came out of his body and the machines surrounding it. It reminded him and everyone else that he was so close to death, and he hated how the people he loved was filled with sadness whenever they saw them, especially Jinyoung. The boy took Mark’s place, sitting beside the bed, and took Jaebum’s hand.

“Hey, it’s Jinyoung. How are you?”

It was always the opening of their chats, continued by Jinyoung telling him about Nora, about Mark, about Jackson, about his classes, about his professors, everything. Well, basically it was Jinyoung trying hard to chat normally with forced cheerfulness to an unresponsive body and Jaebum’s answers left unheard. Jaebum already knew everything he was told about though, since he had been following Jinyoung since he woke up separated from his body. But it was still nice hearing Jinyoung talked so much, he had always liked listening to the boy’s voice. It was a pity he never sang for him again.

“Oh, right, Yugyeom said he would spent his summer break here at Korea. You must be happy to see your brother again, don’t you?”

Of course he did, he missed the silly giant boy so much. While his father would come back from LA once a month to look after him, Yugyeom was still in highschool so he couldn’t do that often. That was also the reason why his father couldn’t stay too long. Yugyeom would be all alone since their mother already passed away when Jaebum was still in middle school and Yugyeom elementary school. His father entrusted everything here to Mark, since he was already like an additional son to his family. And because Jinyoung and Jackson also took turns taking care of him, his family also came to know them and became close.

“You know, I really miss your cooking. It’s been more than two years since I ate your homemade meals. I’ve got too accustomed to your cooking that everything else tastes bland. I’m tired of eating outside. There was no one to cook for me and I couldn’t cook for everyone’s safety. Oh, and I haven’t got to eat your pasta either! It must’ve tasted great. It’s a pity that it went to waste. Still, thanks for making that pasta for me even though you hate it so much.” Jinyoung’s voice already wavered by the last sentence, and Jaebum knew he was about to break down. Jinyoung pulled up Jaebum’s hand and pressed the back against his forehead.

“You still have to cook pasta for me again… that’s why, please wake up.”

A sparkling bead of tears slithered over his cheek, and Jaebum wanted so badly to wipe it away, to hug him, to comfort him. Jaebum regretted all the time he was so hesitant and restrained himself to touch Jinyoung, regretted that he didn’t confess his love as often as he could while he was still able to do it. As he was, his touches would only go through Jinyoung, his voices would just vanished into thin air before reaching Jinyoung’s ears. He despised his helplessness, hated that he couldn’t do anything to erase the boy’s sorrow, and he wondered why he was still there.

He knew him being there would only prolonged the sadness of his beloved ones, but he was powerless to do anything. Seeing them desperately holding onto that little percentage chance of recovery the doctor gave tore him apart. It was only less 10%, why hadn’t they let him go already?

On the other hand, he felt grateful for the chance he still had. He was glad he could still have the chance to see his family that he hadn’t seen for long. He was glad he could still get to hear his friend’s voices. Each night, as the moon kept an eye on them through the window, he would watch Jinyoung serene face in deep slumber and thank the heavens for granting him another day in this world, despite always cursing it under the daylight. He wanted them to let him go, but he wasn’t even sure if he was ready to let go yet.

Jinyoung raised his head and blinked a few times, trying to keep anymore tears to escape. Jaebum would rather Jinyoung crying freely than holding back like this, trying to put up a front like he was okay in front of him. It was because of that damned doctor who said they should keep a positive atmosphere around Jaebum, so everyone always pretended that everything was alright. However, it only pained him more rather than making him feel better.

“Sorry, I’ve got too carried away. I just miss you too much,” Jinyoung said, caressing Jaebum’s jaw, which looked slightly darker from the stubble that had started growing on his face.

“Hmm, so no one shaves you yet today? That’s great, I want to do it myself. I will never be able to touch your face that much after you get well, so I need to use every chance I’ve got. Or maybe not? I kinda want to see you with a beard,” he chuckled. Even so, he still stood up to bring out a shaver, shaving cream, washbasin filled with warm water, and three towels. He put one of the towel around Jaebum’s neck to the back of his ear. He dipped the other one to the basin, squeezed it so the water wouldn’t drip on Jaebum, and lightly tapped it Jaebum’s face lower face until it was damp enough. Then he layered the area with shaving cream. A minute later, using the shaver that was already warmed up in the basin, Jinyoung started to cautiously shave the hair, trying not to touch the tube connected to the nose and mouth.  When he was done, he cleaned the cream with the wet towel and patted Jaebum’s face dry with the unused one before putting on a moisturizer.

“There, smooth as a baby,” Jinyoung smiled proudly as he carefully removed the towel so the hair on it wouldn’t get scattered. Then he took out a comb from the drawer beside the bed and carded it through Jaebum’s hair, gently unraveled the tangled strands. Every now and then Jinyoung would only stroke the hair, letting the dark locks flowed between his fingers just for the sake of feeling it against his touch.

“It’s already getting so long. Your hair grew really fast,” Jinyoung said. “Should I trim it? You hated it when it was getting too long it covered your eyes. I might as well do it.”

He softly held Jaebum’s head as he pulled the pillow down under his shoulder and released it gently. He spread the towel he used to cover Jaebum’s neck before under his head. He took out a pair of scissors from the same drawer he got the comb from. As he trimmed Jaebum’s hair, he said, “I’m getting really good at this. Maybe I could get a part-time job at a barbershop now.”

Jaebum chuckled. Yeah, right. He could still saw the length of his hair uneven in some place.

“Done,” Jinyoung said, removing the towel and pulling the pillow back to its place. “I better clean this up before the nurse came and scolded us.”

Jinyoung brought all his shaving tools to the bathroom, leaving Jaebum with himself and his complicated feelings. He felt jealous of his own body to be touched that much by Jinyoung. At these kind of moments he would do anything to be able to go back to his body just so he could feel Jinyoung’s warmth against his skin, even though that meant he would be trapped until God knew when and couldn’t do anything. He felt happy and touched that Jinyoung cared so much for him, never stopped or hesitated to show how much he loved him.

However, at the same time, it was also heart-wrenching. He didn’t deserve all those things. He wished Jinyoung would stop coming to this depressing place called hospital. He wished Jinyoung would cut off everything related to him. He wished Jinyoung would forget him. He wished Jinyoung would love someone else, much braver than Jaebum. He wished Jinyoung would be loved by someone who could treat him better than Jaebum. He wished the hollowness in Jinyoung’s eyes would disappear and never return. He wished he would smile and laugh brightly again. He only wanted Jinyoung to be happy, no matter what it took.

He wanted to cry, yet he didn’t know if it really came out. He definitely couldn’t see it by himself, and he couldn’t sense anything through his skin anymore since he were in this form. He closed his eyes, remembering every sad faces Jinyoung made and all the tears that fell from those gentle eyes because of him. He sighed bitterly as he opened his eyes and stared at his empty shell of a body, starting to despise his own face, his own self.

“‘Till when are you going to hurt him, Im Jaebum?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah. I want to confess that I've changed the story again, and I know back in chapter 6 I said there was going to be two or three more chapters for this fic to end. This is already the third chapter since then, and this fic still haven't finished yet. I'm sorry.  
> I want to write the aftermath of the accident, how Jinyoung went through it, so I actually planned to tell the story from his eyes. However, as I began to build the chapter in my head (I always do that first before writing anything :D) I had this feeling that it was wrong. This whole fic focused on Jaebum, his feelings, his thoughts, his growth as a character. To suddenly change the POV would be so wrong. So I kept it, and this is the result. I really hope you like it !  
> Also, I wrote this chapter putting DAY6's When You Love Someone on repeat because it matches the feel so well, so I recommend you to listen to it while or after you read this chapter. And I just realized after someone mentioned it in his reaction that You Are by GOT7 has kind of similar vibe to Fly, so turns out I get what I wanted hahah no wonder I love the song so much! Anyway, thanks for reading and please anticipate the next chapters :))


	10. So You Can Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back sooner than I thought because I got this idea about this new chapter and got so thrilled to write it as soon as possible even if I had to write all the chapter by phone. Hope you like it :))

Summer finally came, along with mustard-haired Yugyeom who seemed like he never stopped growing and a skinny, eccentric looking Thai boy called Bambam. He was Yugyeom’s classmate and best friend, which told Jaebum that his personality was most probably as quirky as his appearance since his giant brother wasn’t anywhere near normal either. Jaebum had already heard a lot from Yugyeom about how he befriend a guy with a weird name the last time he was in Korea, and everytime he visited Jaebum at the hospital he would told him every mischievous pranks they pulled off together, which wasn’t only a few. Jaebum’s stomach would’ve been hurting if he could still feel physical pain from laughing too much everytime Yugyeom told him these stories. Another thing he loved about them was because it was able to bring out the clear tinkling sound he missed so much; Jinyoung’s laugh. Since then, Jaebum had always been curious of how the boy looked.

The first time Jaebum saw Bambam, he thought he looked like an alien with his platinum silver hair and blue contact lenses. He wore leopard-patterned T-shirt, a black choker, three piercings on his left ear and two on his right. His skinny black jeans emphasizing his thin legs, and a pair of black leather ankle boots with short heels made them looked unbelievably long. However, those weren’t the weirdest thing Jaebum found on the Thai boy. For a moment, he saw Bambam looking at him. Not at his soulless body on the bed, but at his fleshless presence by the window.

Bambam swiftly looked away, and Jaebum disposed the thought since there was no change in the boy’s expression. It was impossible anyway, no one would ever be able to see him in this form. He watched as Yugyeom introduced Bambam to Jinyoung, Mark, and Jackson. He hoped the duo would bring the much needed cheerfulness in this depressing stark white room. He hoped he could hear laughters filled the room again, especially from Jinyoung.

It was their third visit to the hospital. There were only Yugyeom, Bambam, and him in the room, Jackson and Mark currently dragging Jinyoung out for lunch so he wouldn’t skip it. Yugyeom excitedly told Jaebum about his trip to their hometown the other day while Bambam only listened without a word beside him.

“You won’t believe it, so many things changed only in the span of four years! I almost can’t recognize anything anymore from our neighborhood. That ice cream shop with the kind lady who always gave us free extra scoops is gone. The old library you used to frequent is also gone. You must be sad, hyung.”

“I also went to visit mother, bringing a bouquet of baby’s breath which she liked. I took a selfie and sent it to father. He’s already sulky enough that he couldn’t go with me to see you, now he has more thing to envy me about,” Yugyeom smirked. No one could escape this overgrown little devil. He would forever be five year-old inside.

“I bragged to her that I graduated with better marks than you. You can’t call me stupid anymore, I’m smarter than you now. And hyung, I told her to scold you because you’re such a slob, you’re always sleeping and skipping all your classes. How are you going to graduate at this rate? Who knows, maybe I’ll graduate college before you.” He laughed and maybe something got stuck on his throat when he did because he was suddenly coughing. Served him right.

“I’ll go get a drink. You watch after him, okay?” Yugyeom said to Bambam.

“Don’t worry, take your time.”

Silence filled the room after Yugyeom left. It was understandable, Bambam didn’t even know him, he would have nothing to say to him. However, turned out he was wrong.

“I bet he’s crying somewhere now,” the younger said.

Jaebum felt his heart clenched. _How can I not notice it? I’m his brother,_ he said, even though he knew Bambam wouldn’t be able to hear it.

“It’s not your fault that you didn’t notice it. He tried his best to appear as cheerful as possible. He said maybe if he annoy you bad enough you would wake up to hit him,” Bambam chuckled. However, Jaebum didn’t pay attention to his last sentence, since the first one had already caught him by surprise. _It can’t be…_

It was impossible, but Bambam looked up and straight to his eyes. “Yeah, I can hear you, and I can see you.”

_How…_

“Well, I’ve been able to see and communicate with spirits since I was little. Mostly I try to ignore and pretend not to see or hear them, though. It can be troublesome. Though none of the spirit I’ve met is actually still alive, like you.”

_Does it mean I won’t wake up? Then why is my body still breathing?_

“I don’t know, I just see and talk to them, not understanding their nature. Usually the dead become a spirit if they have strong attachment to this world or lingering feelings like resentment, regret, worry, and others. I don’t know about someone in coma.”

_Then, even after I die, it’s possible that I’d still stay here?_

“Again, I don’t know, maybe, but I think it most likely would happen. Seeing you’re able to wake up as a spirit even when you’re in coma might mean that your feelings are just too strong.”

Jaebum sighed. _If that’s truly the reason, then I’m definitely staying._

Bambam hesitated, before carefully asked, “Can I ask what it is? Maybe I can help.”

Jaebum smiled bitterly. _It’s not something you can help with. I just can’t leave before I see this certain someone happy. And it won’t happen as long as I’m still alive._

Silence filled the room once again. Jaebum was lost in thought before an idea suddenly came to him.

_Are you really willing to help?_

“Of course, you’re the brother of my best friend. That’s why I talk to you in the first place.” Bambam then seemed to thought of something that made him frown. “You won’t ask me to kill you, right?”

Jaebum shook his head. _No, of course not! Just… can you tell Yugyeom about me being here and deliver my words to him so I can communicate with him? I need to ask him for a favor._

Bambam thought for a while before agreeing, to Jaebum’s relief. _Thank you so much,_ Jaebum said gratefully. _I’m glad Yugyeom has such a great friend beside him. It’s one less worry from my mind. Please stay with him and support him always. He is a big guy, yet he’s actually a crybaby,_ Jaebum chuckled.

Bambam smiled warmly. “He’ll forever be my best friend, you don’t need to worry about that.”

The door slid open, and the smiling Yugyeom went in holding a glass of chocolate milkshake in his hand. He didn’t look any different from when he left, except that his yellow fringe was slightly wet. He sat and said, “I hear your voice from outside. Did you talk to my brother?”

“Yeah,” Bambam said looking at Jaebum, asking for confirmation if he really wanted to do this with his eyes. Jaebum nodded. “Yugyeom, you know I’d never lie to you, right?”

Yugyeom seemed confused, nevertheless he still answered. “Yes.”

“Do you trust me?”

The smile faded from Yugyeom’s face, feeling the seriousness of the question. “Of course.”

Their eyes was locked with each other, none of them said anything for a while. Bambam looking for any trace of uncertainty, Yugyeom trying to convey his unwavering trust for the other. And then Bambam smiled. “Thank you.”

Yugyeom also smiled. “I know you trust me just as much.”

Bambam took Yugyeom’s hand into his. ”I do.”

Again, they both didn’t say anything. Bambam seemed lost in thoughts, while Yugyeom waited patiently for the silver-haired guy to talk.

“You know that I’m able to see the spirit of the dead, right?”

Yugyeom nodded. “Yeah. You said you saw many of them flying around here since it’s a hospital. Is there any in this room? Do they bother you?”

“There’s one, and no, he doesn’t bother me,” Bambam sighed, before continuing. “He’s your brother.”

Yugyeom eyes widened. He quickly turned his head at the monitor showing the constant waves of Jaebum’s heartbeat, and back to Bambam. “But he’s still alive. How…”

“I don’t know either. It’s the first time I saw a spirit that’s disembodied from his still breathing body. He’s over there, by the window.”

Yugyeom fixed his eyes at the window, searching fruitlessly for any trace of his brother existence, slowly brimming with tears. Bambam patted Yugyeom’s back with his free hand, trying to comfort him.

“Why are you telling me this? I don’t know what to feel about this. It changes nothing even if I know he’s here. I can’t see him, I can’t talk to him. It makes me feel frustrated.” He choked up, and Bambam pulled him into his arms, trying to calm the soft-hearted bear down. Jaebum felt guilty. He was hurting someone again with his selfishness.

 _Tell him I’m really sorry,_ Jaebum said, _but he’s the only hope I have._

“Your brother said he felt sorry, but you’re the only hope he has.”

Yugyeom snuffled, looking at Bambam with teary eyes and damp, red face. “What do you mean?”

“He said he has a favor to ask from you. I think you’re the only one who can do that.”

Yugyeom stared at him, then at the empty wall beside the window. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and then looked at Bambam again with a determined face. “Okay, I’m ready to listen.”

 

\--

 

“We’re going to go back to LA next week,” Yugyeom announced as soon as Jinyoung, Mark, and Jackson were back from lunch and the latter two were about to go home.

“Why so sudden? You said you’re going to be here the whole summer break,” Jinyoung said as he strode across the room to stand on the opposite side of the bed from the two youngest, holding Jaebum’s hand.

Yugyeom bit his lips nervously, but he knew he had to break the news sooner or later. Bambam tighten his grip on his hand, supporting him. He took a deep breath, and said, “Actually, my father and I decided to bring Jaebum-hyung to LA.”

Every eyes in the room were directed at the mustard-haired boy in disbelief. Yugyeom averted his eyes down.

“I know it’s sudden but we’ve thought about it for a while because we wanted him to be as close as possible. My father disposed this idea after seeing all of you because he didn’t have the heart to separate all of you from him. But my father isn’t young anymore, and his monthly visit here while he still have to work starting to take a toll on his health. That’s why he’s not here with us right now. A stubborn man he is, I know he will continue going back and forth to the point of breaking down. So I persuaded my father to make this decision. I’m sorry.”

By the end of his words, his voice was so faint it could barely be heard. Jaebum felt so bad putting this load on his soft-hearted brother, but this was the only thing he could do to ease everyone’s burden. He was worried of his father, and he knew Yugyeom felt the same way. He also feel bad for taking away Mark and Jackson from their daily lives the whole two years and even more if he stayed here. He knew they had a hard time balancing their studies and watching over him. But the biggest reason he did this was, of course, Jinyoung.

He knew seeing him in this state everyday only made Jinyoung’s guilt grew deeper. He knew the hollow in Jinyoung’s eyes would never vanish with the constant reminder of the cost of his life. He knew he would only hurt Jinyoung more and more if he stayed. As long as he was here, Jinyoung would never forget him and find someone better than him, who could give Jinyoung the love and happiness he deserved.

The silence that filled the room felt stifling even though Jaebum didn’t need oxygen anymore. It was finally broken by the steps Jinyoung took around the bed to Yugyeom, the latter still didn’t have the nerve to meet the older’s eyes until Jinyoung lifted his hand and pat his head.

“It’s alright, you do the right thing. I understand. Thanks for giving us these two years with him,” Jinyoung smiled.

Tears fell on the younger’s cheek, and he hid his face with his lower arm as he sobbed. “I’m so sorry, hyung. I know you love him so much, but father and Jaebum-hyung are the only family I have left. If something happens to father too...”

Jinyoung squeezed his shoulder gently. “I know, I know, you have nothing to be sorry about. I’m okay, don’t worry.”

Jinyoung then turned to Bambam. “You might better take him outside so he can calm down. I’ll talk to the doctor later and help with every preparation needed.”

Bambam nodded. Jinyoung looked back at Yugyeom and find the pair of glazed eyes staring at him. “Thank you, hyung.”

Jinyoung gave him reassuring smile. Bambam tugged lightly on Yugyeom’s hand, and the latter followed the other out of the room, passing the frozen Mark and Jackson by the door. The couple walked to Jinyoung.

“Are you really alright with this?” Jackson carefully asked. Jinyoung smiled sadly.

“What can I say? They have the right to be with him, instead of me who still shamelessly stay beside him despite being the cause of his state now. If only I didn’t approach him that time… if only I didn’t talk him into getting back together with me after he broke up with me… he would be alive and healthy, not lying there for years.”

Mark frowned. “Jinyoung, it’s not…”

“Please,” Jinyoung cut him off, “just go home. I want to be alone with him.”

Mark seemed like he still wanted to say something. However, Jackson stopped him, shaking his head. The two walked to the door, stealing last glances at Jinyoung before closing the door.

Jinyoung walked up to Jaebum. He raised his hand to softly stroke Jaebum’s hair.

“So I can’t cut your hair anymore.”

Then another pale hand slid down from the sideburn to the smooth jaw he just shaved again this morning.

“And I can’t give you a shave anymore.”

He brushed the fringe covering the wide forehead, and as he planted his lips on the patch of skin, a single tear that escaped his eyes turned into a downpour. He broke down pressing his forehead against Jaebum’s, letting his teardrop fell on the sleeping face.

“Why can’t we be together? Why?”

 _Because we’re not meant to be,_ Jaebum answered, feeling his heart crushed into pieces that could never be glued together again. _Because you deserve more than someone who can only hurt you. See, I’m hurting you even now._

Jaebum held his hand hanging very closely to Jinyoung’s head, knowing it would only get through if he went further down, and move it slightly, as if he was caressing Jinyoung’s hair.

_But everything will be alright. You will forget me. Time will help you forget me._

_And without me, you’ll find happiness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'd like to tell you that I've prolonged this story even more again than I intended when I posted the last chapter because I changed the story again and so the ending changed, again. This would be the last, I promise.  
> This is the first story which I change the ending so many times that even I wonder how the ending would end up to be since I don't know what kind of idea would appear in my head and change the ending for who knows how many times. Usually I always had an ending when I thought of a story and I never change it. This story, however, is different.  
> Anyway, thanks for staying with this story through it all and hope you like this chapter :))


	11. Wish You Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the last chapter. Hope you like it!

A week went by in a flash. They talked to the doctors, requested an air ambulance, filled the papers, and went through all the preparation needed for the transfer. Mark and Jackson helped Yugyeom with those. Jinyoung had wanted to help, yet was refused outright by the three and being told to just stay put and watch over Jaebum. So he did.

He truly never left Jaebum’s side, except when Yugyeom needed Jaebum’s documents which was in their apartment. He act indifferently, like Jaebum was not going to be miles away in a matter of days. That upsetting forced smile appeared on his face more often than before. The facade, though, was slightly broken when Yugyeom, by Jaebum’s request, asked for his things so he could brought them along with him to LA.

“Do you really need to bring them all with you?”

“Well, we don’t know when he would wake up, even more when he would come back to Korea. And about that apartment,” Yugyeom took a deep breath before continuing, “we’re not going to extend its lease. I know you’ve been living there, letting go of your own to take care of it and Nora. We thought it’s the best option. We’re not going to burden you with those things until who knows when.”

“You’re going to take Nora too? She can’t stay?” Jinyoung’s voice slightly trembling, his eyes shining with clear fluid layering over it.

Yugyeom bit his lips and averted his eyes to Bambam, who was looking at Jaebum. He shook his head. The purpose of these all was to clean away everything that could remind Jinyoung of him so the man could forget him. If Nora stayed, then it all would only be in vain.

“Please, can’t she stay? I’ll take a good care of her, I promise.”

Yugyeom stared at his feet, avoiding Jinyoung’s pleading eye. “I’m sorry,” he said, barely could be heard.

Dejection flashed in Jinyoung’s eyes as his eyes failed to contain the flood of sadness and let it escape. Hurt laced his words as he asked, “Why does it feel like you’re trying to erase every trace of his presence in my life?”

Jaebum could see his brother tensed at the question, before slowly lifted his gaze up to meet a tearful one. And he knew right at that moment, Jinyoung could see the truth in the pair of remorseful eyes. Yugyeom was good at pranking people, yet he had always been bad at lying.

“Why?”

The pain in his voice and the betrayed look in his eyes stung. Yugyeom looked like he was about to cry, and Jaebum despised himself more for creating this situation between the people he loved. If only he just died back then, they didn’t have to go through so much heartbreak. If only they would just give up on him. But Bambam would refuse to help him for that, and Jaebum didn’t have the heart to ask that of Yugyeom too. He saw as Jinyoung stepped forward and shook Yugyeom’s shoulders.

“Answer me! Why are you doing this?”

“Stop that,” Bambam said, putting his hand on Jinyoung’s. “It’s already hard enough for him without you cornering him like this.”

Jinyoung took his hand away.

“Is that it?” he said, broken. Yugyeom stared at him in confusion.

“Deep down, you and your father understand I’m the one to blame that you brother is hanging between life and death. Isn’t that why?”

The tall guy’s eyes widen. “No, that’s not…”

“It’s okay, it’s true anyway, I understand,” he said, rubbing his dampened cheeks dry with the back of his hand. “I’ll send his things and Nora to your hotel tomorrow. I won’t show up in front of you again.”

“Wait, Jinyoung-hyung…”

The door was already closed behind Jinyoung he couldn’t hear Yugyeom anymore. Or maybe he didn’t want to hear. Again, Jaebum tailed behind Jinyoung outside, welcomed by the gloomy sky that soon was crying along with his lover, drenching him wet with its tears as he wandered aimlessly.

 

\--

 

His body was dying, he knew it.

Half a year had passed since his body was moved to LA, and at the moment he was watching as the doctors tried to save him. Last night his temperature rose tremendously, his chest heaved as his body instinctively struggled to fill his lungs with the oxygen provided by the ventilator. The riotous beeping sound adding to the turmoil that happened inside the room. Then the doctor diagnosed him with pneumonia. It was too much for him, so he escaped to see Jinyoung. Even though he and Bambam both quite sure his soul would stay even though his body was gone, he decided not to bet on it.

Being a ghost was quite convenient, he could pop up anywhere he liked. One moment he was talking with Bambam at his room in LA, the next he was watching Jinyoung sleeping on his bed, which he did every night. And yes, Jinyoung hadn’t moved out of his place yet.

Stubborn as he was, Jinyoung refused to let go of the apartment. He even took part time jobs so he could pay the rent since it was slightly more expensive than his apartment before. Jaebum wondered when would he eventually get tired and gave up. Maybe if he really died this time, he would.

Jaebum showed up at his- no, Jinyoung’s- apartment, finding the owner deep in slumber on the sofa with a book opened upside down on his chest. It was The Catcher in the Rye, Jinyoung’s favorite book of all time. Only God knew how many times he had reread the book over and over again.

Jaebum stared worriedly at the sleeping man. He could catch a cold, sleeping like this without any blanket in the middle of winter. If Nora was still there, he could tell him to jump on Jinyoung or something to wake him up. However, the girl was already on the other side of the world, along with his dying body.

The apartment seemed mostly the same as before he left, except for the absence of his things and Nora. However, no matter how much he wanted his trace to be erased, Jinyoung was determined to keep however little signs he could have of Jaebum’s existence in his life. Even though he never cook, he kept the kitchen and its cooking wares clean. He kept the book they bought together. He singled out his favorite red hoodie from the rest of his clothes before he sent it to Yugyeom, which he wore as he slept drooling onto it. He also wore Jaebum’s cologne which was still half a bottle left and his earrings, another one he left out from his package to Yugyeom. He also hung the rings they made together with a chain and it never left his neck.

Just as he thought, Jinyoung was down with a cold the day after. He watched worriedly as the man persistently preparing to go to the college. He sneezed and coughed continuously, his eyes dimmed, and he swayed everytime he walked. Jaebum was pretty sure he was burning with fever, though maybe not as high as his physical body. He sighed in relief as he saw Jackson stood there when Jinyoung opened the door, about to step out.

“Hey Jin… what happened to you?!” the wide grin on his face disappeared, replaced by concern.

“I’m okay,” Jinyoung said, his weak and hoarse voice not convincing. “What are you doing here?”

“You looked so pale, and you’re still going to attend your class? Let’s be sane for a second and just go straight to your bed like a good boy.”

Jackson dragged the patient back inside and sat him on the bed, pulling his backpack off of his shoulder. Jackson put his palm on Jinyoung’s forehead before quickly pulled it off again while shrieking.

“You’re burning hot!”

“You’re overreacting.”

“And you’re mad. How could you still want to go to college with that fever? What if you faint or something?” Jackson shook his head and clicked his tongue in disbelief. “Change your clothes. Have you eaten?”

It was Jinyoung’s turn to shake his head. “Not yet. I don’t have the appetite to eat.”

“Even so, you still have to eat, you moron,” Jackson said, lifting Jinyoung’s wrist between his thumb and forefinger in distaste. “Look at how small it is now. You’re almost as thin as Mark, and he’s a special case. You’re not. It means you’re not eating well, so I’m going to get you a food and you better eat it.”

Jinyoung jerked his wrist off of Jackson’s hold. “Fine. But don’t use the kitchen.”

Jackson furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, and Jinyoung just shrugged. “I don’t want you to make a mess or burn something there. I just cleaned it.”

“You don’t even use it, why are you so tied up on keeping it clean?”

Jinyoung averted his eyes, refusing to answer. However, his silence was enough answer to the question. Jackson sighed.

“Fine, I need to buy your medicine anyway, and I bet it’s been awhile since you last bought groceries. Now, change your clothes and sleep. I’ll be back.”

After Jackson was gone, Jinyoung pushed himself off of the bed, sluggishly walked to the wardrobe. He put on a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, and Jaebum’s hoodie over it. Before it was already slightly too big on his frame, and since he got way thinner, it just looked so baggy on him. And combined with his paled face, he seemed so fragile he could break with just a touch of a finger that Jaebum for once was glad he couldn’t touch him. Jinyoung lied down on the bed, curling his body under the warmth of the blanket, looking so small Jaebum felt his heart clenched. Just like the sickness draining his life at the moment, memories of him was draining Jinyoung’s he didn’t seem like he was living anymore beside the fact that he was breathing and moving.

Jaebum watched as the long eyelashes lining on the edge of his eyelids slowly dropped, and the sound of his breathing evened into a steadily slow pacing. As always, Jinyoung looked the most peaceful when he was asleep.

However, all of sudden Jinyoung scrunched up his face. He started shifting restlessly in his sleep, mumbling faintly something Jaebum couldn’t made out. He moved closer, only to hear his name softly verbalized under Jinyoung’s breath. A drop of tears slid down from the corner of the sick man’s closed eyes to his temple. And suddenly Jaebum felt an excruciating pain from inside him, the closest to a physical pain he had ever felt since he was in this form. Though it came from his chest, it wasn’t like his chest or any organ on the area hurt. It felt like it came from the core of his existence.

Maybe Jinyoung could feel it too, that his time was drawing near. And again, Jaebum wished that Jinyoung could finally give up on him and go on with his life. He couldn’t bear to see Jinyoung like this anymore. The faster he was gone would be better. Maybe he would be grieving for a moment, but he will get over it and live on, just like when Jaebum lost Youngjae back then. And someday he would meet someone who could fill his everyday with happiness, just like when Jaebum finally met him and found happiness again.

 

\--

 

_If I get high enough_

_If I get high enough_

_Will I see you again?_

 

After years, songs finally filled his apartment again. However, Jaebum couldn’t hear any of it. His ears were filled with rush of panic when he came back and saw Jinyoung remain motionless on the bed. His face was white as sheet, his hair matted on his forehead by the sweat beaded on his skin. Jaebum cursed his helplessness, hated he could only be relieved when Jackson slammed the door and ran to the unconscious man, trying to shook him awake to no avail.

Some moments later, Jinyoung finally opened his eyes on the hospital bed, IV drip connected to his vein. He turned his head to find Mark sitting on a chair beside him.

“You’re malnourished and anemic,” the red-headed said.

Jinyoung kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling, refusing to look again at the man. Jinyoung sighed.

“How come you don’t resent me? You lost your best friend because of me.”

It had been a month since the news of Jaebum’s family decided to take off his life support reached Jinyoung. Things weren’t looking great with him having secondary infection, which lowered his already low chance of survival. It didn’t get better, so his father decided to shorten his suffering.

Jinyoung refused to leave his place after that. He didn’t attend his classes. He didn’t eat beside the few bites Jackson managed to get inside his mouth. And even though the only thing he did was laying on the bed hugging Jaebum’s hoodie, he was barely sleeping, mostly crying.

“I don’t resent you, but I’m indeed mad at you. Jaebum didn’t save your life and sacrifice his life for you to waste it like this,” Mark said, and Jinyoung finally met his gaze again, eyes grim with guilt and sadness.

“Do you know what I said to Jaebum the first time I saw him alone after the incident in his room?”

Jinyoung shook his head.

“I congratulated him.”

Jinyoung stared at him, puzzled. Mark smiled bitterly.

“I congratulated him because he managed to save you. And by saving you, he saved himself. I’d rather him dying without regret after saving you than being killed by his self-blaming and grief from losing you right before his eyes. He has survived it once, he’s not going to get through it alive the second time. You already experienced what he felt back then right now so you must’ve known very well how it felt. Imagine experiencing it twice, more severe than the first. Do you think you will survive? Do you think he will survive?”

Jinyoung averted his eyes, and slowly shook his head again. Tears had started to fill his eyes again.

“But now, forget about having no regrets. Do you think he can leave peacefully seeing you like this? You want him to suffer with you in his passing?”

Jinyoung shook his head for the third time. A drop of tears fell to his cheek.

“And now, are you going to continue being this way?”

Jaebum afraid Jinyoung’s neck would break with how much he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I never thought that way. You’re right. I won’t do that again,” Jinyoung snuffled timidly, like a kid being scolded by an elder when he and Mark were the same age.

“Promise me you’ll eat?” Mark said, looking at him sternly.

“I promise.”

“And you’ll attend your classes again?”

“I promise,” Jinyoung repeated.

“Great,” Mark smiled softly, “now that you’ve promised to be good, I have a present for you.”

Mark took his bag from the floor and pulled out a classic iPod from it’s pocket. Jaebum was surprised to see it. He couldn’t believe Mark would actually give it to Jinyoung. Jinyoung took it and stared at the object confusedly.

“Pretty old-fashioned, isn’t he? I don’t even know where he got it,” Mark chuckled. “ It was supposed to be your Christmas gift. Jaebum left it with me because he was afraid you would find it if he kept it himself.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widen at the information. “This is from… Jaebum?”

Mark nodded. Jinyoung opened the library, and found the songs they used to listen to, their favorites. There was another folder, named ‘For You’.

“He said it’s the songs he wanted you to listen to. Well, it’s mostly filled by sappy love song to be honest,” Mark said, holding out an earphone, “but you really need to listen to the last track.”

Jaebum couldn’t believe what he just heard. Did Mark just told Jinyoung to listen to it? Jinyoung took the earphone perplexedly. “Why?”

Mark smiled. “Just listen to it.”

Jinyoung’s eyebrows knitted in confusion, and Jaebum desperately wanted to scream out of frustration because he couldn’t stop it. Jinyoung put the earphone in his ear, and played the song. The sound that first flowed into his ears was an acoustic guitar. There were noises that told him that the song was live recorded. However, the familiar voice that followed after made him gasp in surprise, and the flow of tears that had stopped for a moment was pouring down again. It wasn’t the voice of a singer or a band he knew. It was Jaebum’s.

 

 

 _Your eyes that look at me are filled with cuteness_  
_Every word you say is so cute to me_  
_Sometimes, when you complain, you seem like a little girl_  
_I can’t take my eyes off you, can’t take my eyes off you_

 _I just wanna stay with you, girl you glowing_  
_Whatever it is, I wanna do it with you_  
_Let’s dream together_  
_I just wanna be with you, you shine_  
_I’ll shine for you_  
_Shine for me baby_

 _You and I, You and I, You and I_  
_I wanna be with you_

 _You and I , You and I, You and I , You and I_  
_I wanna walk with you_

 _erm like an angel with no wings_  
_God know what it is and where it’s going_  
_yeah whenever I see you, I’m in a good mood_  
_Only bad thing is, I can’t sleep because of you_

 _erm your smile is a like a star_  
_I was lost, tell me the address to your heart_  
_I’m not trying to convince but_  
_I’ll wait by your side till you need somebody_

 _I just wanna stay with you, girl you glowing_  
_Whatever it is, I wanna do it with you_  
_Let’s dream together_  
_I just wanna be with you, you shine_  
_I’ll shine for you_  
_Shine for me baby_

 _You and I, You and I, You and I_  
_I wanna be with you_

 _You and I , You and I, You and I , You and I_  
_I wanna walk with you_

 

Jaebum didn’t dare to look at Jinyoung’s face throughout the song. For the first time in a while Jaebum was glad people couldn’t see him. If he wasn’t in this form, the heat would’ve already crawled up to his cheeks. He finally looked up to find Jinyoung’s crying. He hated it when the man cried, but that time it was okay. Because the tears was accompanied with something he had been missing.

The tip of Jinyoung’s mouth was pulled up, his eyes disappeared, surrounded by the crinkles Jaebum hadn’t seen for long. Then the melodious sound of his laugh chirping across the room, sincere and filled with happiness.

With that laugh, Jaebum knew that Jinyoung was ready to start anew. And Jaebum smiled, wondering what kind of future and happiness that awaited Jinyoung, wishing he could witness it. He moved closer to the source of that beautiful sound, lifting his hand close to Jinyoung’s face, wishing he could touch him one last time as he slowly fading away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's the end of my longest fic ever. I can't believe myself that it ends like this, and I'm still in a haze because of it. I never intended it to end like this, but ideas just kept popping up as I wrote it and this is the result. I actually have one more chapter in mind as an epilogue, but I'm still pondering on writing it or not. Do you want the epilogue? Or not? If you do, let me know ;)
> 
> JB and Jackson sing an OST! The song was so good and sweet and it suits the story so I use it ^0^ It's an OST of a drama called 'The Package', and the song itself is called 'U&I'. As for the song at the beginning of the sub-chapter, which I only used three line of it, is titled 'If I Get High' by Nothing but Thieves. I wanted to put this song because it suited Jinyoung's feelings so much, so I did.
> 
> Thanks for going through this roller coaster ride of emotions with me, and thanks for staying throughout this fic. It could get this far thanks to your interest and support. Once again, thank you so much :))
> 
> P. S. :  
> For people thinking I should've put on major character death tag, I'm sorry, I don't want to spoil the story, so I'm using creator chose not to use archive warning tag now. I'm so sorry. I put on character death tag instead, though. And for people reading this not waiting for this to be completed, I just put on the tags because I really didn't intend to make him die until the last minutes before I posted it, that's why I was using the no archive warning and past character death tags. I'm sorry again and thank you again for reading this fic :D
> 
> Update: I have decided to write the epilogue. Please look forward to it :))


	12. Epilogue: Happiness is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last, the epilogue. Now it's really the end. Half of this chapter is inspired by BTOB's Missing You, so I recommend you to listen to the song while reading. I'm not even their fan but this song is just freaking good. Well, enjoy reading :))

What was happiness?

That was the question that had been hanging in the back of Jinyoung’s mind. He used to know what it was. He could never specify what it was, but he always knew it when he felt it. “Ah, I’m so happy,” he would think whenever the corner of his mouth was hanging up so high and his heart was about to burst like a firework. However, it had been so long since he last felt it. He didn’t feel it when he graduated with fairly good marks even though others was congratulating him. He didn’t feel it when he got his first job as an editor in a big publishing company. He didn’t feel it when his first authored novel after he quit the job became a bestseller. And that was why he couldn’t identify it anymore.

All he could feel now was longing. He longed for him, and another day passed. He longed for him, and another year passed. Just like that, four years had passed without him realizing it. Four years without Jaebum.

He used to ask himself, how could he live without Jaebum? When inside he also died when Jaebum was gone? But then Mark told him to live on for the very person that left him behind. The person that made him lose the desire to keep walking on this world. The person that took the crash in his stead. The person that sacrificed his own life so he could live. And so he did, living just like that.

He would laugh at the him back then. How could he think that way when he had been living well without Jaebum for eighteen years before meeting him? A period of his life that was way longer than the time he spent with Jaebum. It was just like going back to when he hadn’t known Jaebum yet. See? Soon he was already smiling again, laughing again. Just like nothing had ever happened.

But he couldn’t. Every smile shaped by his lips, every laugh ringing his throat, was all for Jaebum to see and hear. So he wouldn’t worry over him. So he would know that he was happy even though Jaebum wasn’t there anymore. Jinyoung only hoped that Jaebum could never look into his heart. Because there was only a cold and empty space in that part of him, frozen in time by the bloody snow of the winter when Jaebum was gone. That was why he never looked for Jaebum’s grave. Because the moment he came face to face with the definite proof that Jaebum was no longer living in the same world as him, all those facade he build with so much effort would crumbled down at once.

So he was looking for happiness, because it became hard to keep pretending. He didn’t want Jaebum to feel sad if he knew he wasn’t happy. However, how could you find something if you didn’t know what it was? And again, he could only ask himself.

What was happiness?

 

\--

 

Jinyoung sipped his caramel macchiato, appreciating the bittersweet taste it left on his tongue. His eyes never left the words printed over the book he was holding with his left hand as he put down the cup on the table in front of him with the other. His ears were filled with the songs he played on shuffle which he didn’t really pay attention to, since he was too immersed in the book. He just played it for the sake of separating himself from the world surrounding him. However, he was dragged back the moment one of his earbuds was pulled away from his ear, and the soothing music was replaced by a deafening yell.

“JINYOOOOUUUNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!”

Jinyoung covered his buzzing ear with his hand as he looked up to meet with Jackson’s grinning face, in opposite to his annoyed one.

“What?! You’re disturbing other customers!”

“Just announcing the arrival of my awesome self,” Jackson said as he sat across Jinyoung.

Jinyoung took off the other earbud and closed his book before putting them on the table, still irritated. “You don’t have to be that loud, right? Now I’m too embarrassed to order anything again.”

“Why? You can just order,” Jackson raised his hand up to call the waiter, while Jinyoung shook his head in disbelief. The gap between Jackson’s insecure and shameless side could never cease to surprise him, even though he had seen it for more than twenty years already. He sighed in defeat.

“Where’s Mark? You said he’s coming,” he said after the waiter left.

“He will come later. The director was holding him back.”

“He seemed really busy, it’s been so long since I last saw him.”

“Really busy, I guess, being an assistant director. Even I rarely see him these days, even though we live together. He often has overnight filmings so it can’t be helped,” Jackson said, seemingly disappointed.

“Well, at least you can see him,” Jinyoung blurted out without thinking. And when he realized what he had just said, he found Jackson’s eyes layered with sadness and worry. He chuckled, trying to brush away the uncomfortable air he had created.

“What’s with that look?”

Jackson shut his eyes and exhaled heavily. He opened them again after a moment and glanced at the iPod beside Jinyoung.

“You really haven’t forgotten him even a little bit, have you? Even after all these years?”

“How can I?” Jinyoung smiled sadly. He casted his eyes outside the window beside him, resting his chin on his hand. He played his earring with his thumb and forefinger.

“Do you know why I pierced my ear even though I said I hate it so much?”

He heard no answer from Jackson, so he continued. “I want something of him pierced through my body. I want to keep something of him inside of me. So even if I lose everything that could remind me of Jaebum, even if my memory fades, I won’t forget him. The weight of his earrings dangling on my ears would constantly remind me of him. And whenever I see my face in the mirror, looking at the holes I once swore would never make, I’ll remember him,” he looked back at Jackson again, “that’s why, I’d never forget him my whole life.”

The waiter came and put everything they ordered on their table, but they ignored him, both didn’t break off the exchange their eyes made. It was a while after the waiter was gone that Jackson spoke again.

“You love him that much, huh?” Not really a question, but Jinyoung still answered nonetheless.

“Yeah, I do. Maybe if we scale my love for him and his for me, mine would completely outweigh his by a wide margin,” Jinyoung chuckled, trying to ease the mood. However it seemed like it brought different effect to Jackson since the sadness in his eyes only got deeper. He shook his head slightly.

“I won’t be so sure about that.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened in surprise. He didn’t expect Jackson to defend Jaebum over that. He would understand if it was coming from Mark, but never from Jackson. It really caught him off guard that he couldn’t say anything. Jackson resumed to speak.

“Do you know why I never really made an effort to push you into forgetting Jaebum? You know me. It’s something I so possibly do after he left. But I didn’t. Why?” He stopped for a moment before continuing. ”Because there’s no one who could love you as much as him. Though I know it’s best for you to forget him, even though that’s what he asked me to do, I can’t bear the thought of you being with someone who loves you less than he did.”

“W-what do you mean? Jaebum asked you?” Jinyoung felt his heart stopped. He must be hearing it wrong. It wasn’t possible, at all. However, Jackson slowly nodded, confirming that his ears caught it right.

“What a nonsense! Jaebum was in coma the whole time!”

“Do you remember how you often got sick or even collapsed back then? How do you think I always managed to be there at the right time?”

_ No. No way.  _ “It… it was just a coincidence.”

“It wasn’t. Jaebum was there the whole time, beside you, watching over you.”

Jinyoung still refused to believe it. “How could you know he was there if no one could see him?”

“Bambam could. He was the only one. He has that ability since he was a kid. He said it was the first time he met someone who was separated from his/her body when the person itself was still alive.”

A thought came across Jinyoung’s mind. If Jaebum could wander around as a spirit even when he was in coma, then he would still be here after he was gone, right? Jinyoung quickly turned around, frantically looking for any trace of Jaebum being there. When he finally looked back at Jackson, his eyes had already layered with tears, filled with hope that was quickly crushed by Jackson’s next words.

“No, he’s not here anymore. Do you remember that time you collapsed and Mark gave you that iPod? Since then he disappeared, no one knew why.”

Jinyoung felt a lump in his throat. His barely patched up heart was being torn open all over again. It was as if he had discovered that Jaebum was dead the second time. He choked up and dissolved into tears. Jackson moved to his side and pulled his head to his chest, a hand gently stroking his back.

“We always wondered why he wandered back then. But deep inside we always knew. It was because of you. He was worried you would blame yourself and get drowned in sorrow, and you did. He worried about you so much that he got separated from his physical body. That itself showed how much he loved you.”

Jinyoung cried louder. “Why… why are you telling me this?”

The answer that came wasn’t in Jackson’s voice, but Mark’s, who he didn’t notice had arrived. “Because that’s connected to what we’re going to tell you now, Jinyoung,” he said. Jinyoung looked up, finding the red haired man standing beside their table. However, he wasn’t the only one standing there.

“Y-Yugyeom? W-why are you here?”

 

\--

 

Every steps Jinyoung took was heavy. His legs felt weak, and it took so much effort for him to keep the steps steady. All kind of emotions stormed inside him and jumbled together into a mess of feelings he didn’t even know anymore what they were. He wanted to run, but he didn’t know which way he truly wanted to run to. He always thought the fact that was just being laid bare before him was everything he had ever wanted, but after he knew it, he became scared because the fact was accompanied by another one that had never crossed his mind. And it was something that made him shrink back into the time when he didn’t know anything, no matter how dark and hollow that period was.

However, despite his fear, his feet never stopped stepping in front another, bringing him to that direction Yugyeom told him. They didn’t stop no matter how many shoulders bumped against his as he walked through the crowd. Even though he didn’t get out from the revolving door of the hotel until the fifth turn, even though he took the emergency stairs instead of the elevator seven floor up just to delay the confirmation of the truth he was just told, they didn’t stop. Even though when he finally reached the seventh floor and his heart pounded against his chest so heart it hurt, they didn’t stop until he stood in front of a certain door.

He knocked the door twice, so faint it could barely be heard. However he couldn’t bring himself to knock it again. A part of him wishing it was loud enough for the occupant of the room to hear and open the door, another part hoping the wooden board would never be opened. But after a few minutes it did, revealing the familiar figure he had been yearning for all those years, sitting on a wheelchair.

 

_ “Jaebum-hyung woke up about two years ago.” _

 

Jinyoung found himself frozen. He never thought he would see that face again in person, not just a remain of his memories.

 

_ “It was true my father decided to stop his life support, but I begged him to wait at least a week in case he was getting better. Bambam’s brother, Nichkhun, was the doctor in charge of him. He also asked father to wait a few days for him to search for a way to cure Jaebum-hyung. Father finally agreed, and three days later Nichkhun-hyung really found a way. It succeeded, and his condition eventually became stable again. I wanted to tell you, but Jaebum-hyung told me not to. You know how stubborn he was, and he thought that you forgetting him was the best for you, and that even though he wasn’t in a critical condition, it still wasn’t clear if he was going to wake up or not.” _

 

Jinyoung thought he could never stare into the small, dark eyes under the two moles on one side again. He thought he could never hear that smooth, deep voice again even though the words it contained hurt him so. He saw the thin lips parted, and through the gap the words came.

“Who are you?”

 

_ “He woke up, but he lost all his memories since the start of high school. He didn’t even remember Mark-hyung. And he didn’t remember you. So the four of us, including Bambam, decided not to tell you. At the time, you were still struggling to stand back up and get your life together. You were already accepting that Jaebum-hyung was gone, and we didn’t want this to make you depressed again and ruin everything. It’s also for the sake of Jaebum-hyung.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ It was Mark turn to talk. “All his life, since Youngjae’s death, he’s been living in guilt. You could never imagine how much he suffered. His self-blaming was so severe that he thought he didn’t have the right to fall in love with someone and didn’t deserve happiness. That was also what holding him back from being completely happy with you. So, although it was unfair for Youngjae, we thought that it’s better to let Jaebum forget him, so he can start a completely new life and find happiness. And about you…” _

_ Jinyoung started to lose his patience. “What? What about me?” _

_ Yugyeom was the one who answered him. “Bambam said he once slipped out that he felt bad that everyone was wasting their time for someone who would never wake up. Bambam asked why, saying that there was still a chance that he would wake up. He said he would never wake up because he didn’t want to. He thought you were alive and well because he wasn’t, in your place. He was scared that if he woke up, God will try to take you again. I wanted to say it was nonsense, but for him, it was real. That was why we were afraid if he remembered you, remembered that, he would do something foolish. And at the time, he was still too weak to bear that much stress.” _

 

Jinyoung took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that was threatening to flow out. At that moment, after he was finally able to see him, he realized that he didn’t care that Jaebum didn’t remember him anymore. The most important thing that he was able to see Jaebum again, and stay by his side again. It didn’t matter how much effort it needed. He was able to be with him back then through his unyielding persistence, never giving up no matter what. He just needed to do that again and make Jaebum love him again. And even though Jaebum didn’t remember the days they spent together, they could just make new memories, happier than they were before. He smiled.

“My name is Jinyoung. Park Jinyoung.”

“Jin… young?” Jaebum repeated. Jinyoung relished himself at how nice his name sounded in the voice he had been missing so much. It was getting harder to keep the tears from pouring out. However, Jaebum preceded him.

A single tear fell down on the pale cheek, followed by many others. Jaebum touched his own cheek with his fingers and stared at the fluid that was transferred to them, his face mirroring Jinyoung’s surprise.

“W-why am I crying?” Jaebum looked at him, “What are you to me?”

 

_ “Then why are you telling me now?” _

_ Jackson opened his mouth for the first time after Mark and Yugyeom came. “Because we realize, just like no one could ever love you as much as he did, no one could ever love him as much as you do, and maybe he could never love anyone else more than he loved you.” _

_ “But...” the words was stuck in his throat. It hurt him so much to say it, but he forced it out anyway. “He doesn’t remember me anymore. The man who loved me as much as you said is no more.” _

_ “He still does,” Yugyeom said. Jinyoung stared at him in confusion, and he continued, “He once told me his heart ached so much everytime he looked at the moon, like he was missing something important, but he didn’t know what. He often woke up in tears. He didn’t remember what he was dreaming but he said he felt so happy that he was sad it ended. I didn’t understand any of it until I passed his room in the middle of the night and heard him calling your name in his sleep. He still loves you, even after he forgets about you. The only person who could make him happy is you, just like he’s the only one who could make you happy.” _

 

Jinyoung let his tears fall. He walked up to the man he loved and knelt down in front of him. He took off his necklace, the rings dangled on it was clanking as he put it on Jaebum’s hand. He smiled as he held Jaebum’s gaze with his own.

“I’m someone you’ve stolen many things from. You stole the key of my heart and left me trapped there in the cold darkness, waiting for you to come back and pull me outside. You stole happiness from me that I forgot what it was when you’re not with me. You even tried to stole my memories of the person I love the most, but fortunately you failed.”

“I’m someone you owe many things to. You owe me your promise that you’d never leave me again, yet you kept trying to leave me. You owe me every tears I shed since I met you, because it was all because of you. And you also owe me a serving of pasta.”

“That’s why you have to take responsibility. I’ll never let you off until you return everything you’ve stolen and pay back everything you owe. And that means you will be stuck with me forever.”

Jaebum’s lips parted and a laughter filled the room. It was the most beautiful sound Jinyoung had ever heard and he felt his heart clenched from missing it too much. Then he saw the corners of his lips lifted up, and the dazzling smile took his breath away.

“What’s wrong with me? Although I don’t understand anything you said, as crazy as it is, the moment you said you’ll stay with me forever, I felt so happy it was overwhelming. The minute I saw you, my heart told me that you’re holding the missing pieces I’ve lost, something important that I long for it so much it hurts. So,” his smile widened, and Jinyoung felt his heart stopped, “I won’t let you off either until you return them to me.”

Jinyoung wrapped his arms around Jaebum’s waist and rest his head on his lap, basking in the warmth he hadn’t feel for years with his eyes closed. Fingers gently stroking his head, playing with his hair, just like how Jaebum used to do before. He felt a pair of warm, soft lips on his temple and he looked up to meet with a loving gaze. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

“So, let’s start paying you back. What kind of pasta did I owe you? Are you sure I owed you that? I hate creamy food though.”

Jinyoung chuckled, “I know, but you really did. And you have to eat that with me.”

Jaebum groaned, and Jinyoung laughed his heart out like he never did for years. He felt his heart about to burst like a firecracker. He finally had his happiness in his arms, filling every cavity inside of him and he felt whole again. He didn’t have to pretend anymore.

He had found Jaebum. And that was what happiness is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I actually gambled. I thought the ending before was so perfect, but I couldn't erase the feeling of wanting to make Jaebum happy because he's my bias and I've made him suffer so much T_T. I pondered over it so much but I couldn't decide. That's why I asked you whether you want an epilogue or not, to decide his fate. Many of you said you wanted it, so congratulations, you've changed Jaebum's fate *applause* If any of you feel like you like the ending before better, it's okay, you can just treat this epilogue as nonexistent because both are the endings of this fic. You can choose whichever ending you want.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading this story through until the end. Thanks for your support. I hope this epilogue can appease the hearts I've broken through the last chapter. I felt so, so sorry back then. Wish you like this chapter and thanks again for reading :D


	13. Extra: Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A surprise extra is here! I realize there's only a few happy chapter in this story, hence why I made this. I don't know if it's happy enough, but hey, I'm trying. Hope you like it!

Jaebum opened his eyes. He blinked, and the tears that was blurring his eyes escaped, trickling down his temple. He woke up, crying silently about something he didn’t know. He could still feel the happiness that lingered, so much his heart ached. He tried to remember his dream, wanted to understand the cause of those feelings and held onto the feeling. But like always, his head throbbed so badly, pressuring his brain until it felt like it was going to split in two, and he gave up. Not being able to remember turned the small remnant of happiness left in his heart into frustration. His mornings had almost always been like that since he woke up from his coma. However, it had lessened much since he met that man.

Park Jinyoung.

The name still made his heart tingled. Who is he? Why did his heart ached yet happy every time he saw him? Why did the man look at him with such a gentle gaze? Whenever he looked at him like that, he couldn’t help but wondered about his past, but trying to remember made his head bursted in pain.

His train of thought was broken by a knock on his door. Yugyeom’s head appeared from the crack, concern painted over his face. Jaebum forced himself to smile, trying to reassure the younger. Yugyeom smiled back, walking in to sit on the edge of his bed.

“Having that dream again?” he asked. Jaebum sniffed, rubbing the tears away.

“Why can’t I remember? If it’s such a happy memory to me, so important I keep dreaming about it, why can’t I remember?”

Yugyeom took his hand and patted his head. “Don’t force yourself, just be patient. Maybe it’s not the right time for you to remember yet. I’m sure your memory will come back someday, when you’re ready.”

Jaebum smiled for a moment before slapping his brother’s hand. He flung his arm around Yugyeom’s neck, putting him in a headlock. “How dare you to pat your hyung’s head?”

“But I’m taller than you, hyung!”

“You little… seems like you need to be given a lesson,” he snarled, twisting his fist on the younger’s temple.

“Ow! Ow! Okay, sorry! I give up!”

Jaebum stopped and released Yugyeom. As soon as he did though, the latter grinned at him and stuck out his tongue. He yelled, “Jaebum-hyung stu~pid,” before running off the room, leaving Jaebum with an open mouth.

“Hey! Come back here, you shithead!”

Of course he didn’t.

 

\--

 

Jaebum spun his wheelchair to the door when the bell rung. He didn’t need to watch the monitor to guess who it was. He opened the door, and he was right. Jinyoung stood there with a grin on his face, holding a grocery bag on one hand.

“Hi!”

“Hey. Come in!” Jaebum moved back, giving way for the other.

“These are the things you ask for. Where should I put them?”

“Just put them on the table there and sit down, I’ll get you a drink. What do you want?”

“Whatever you have,” Jinyoung answered as he sat on the sofa.

“Is apple juice okay?”

“Yeah. Oh right, I heard from Yugyeom your father’s gonna come next week.”

“He is, finally. He want to visit mother as soon as he came here so he’ll come on weekend, when Yugyeom’s not working.”

After Yugyeom graduated from college, his family decided to settle at Korea since his father’s retirement was also nearing. So Yugyeom got a job in Seoul, and came earlier with him to arrange their settlement there while his father finished everything that needed to be taken care of there.  Jaebum would also continue his study again, since he hadn’t graduated yet. He wanted to, and he thought he was already healthy enough to do that. He had enough of Yugyeom teasing him about graduating earlier than him. And just two days after they landed at Korea, when they hadn’t even moved to their apartment yet, the man he was pouring a glass of apple juice for at the moment came to him with teary eyes, and somehow he also had them. He then put the apple juice on the table in front of Jinyoung, who was holding the book he just finished.

“You were reading my book?”

Jaebum nodded. “I needed my new fill of books so I asked Yugyeom to take me to a bookstore last week for a hunt. I found your book there, so I bought it. I’ve been wanting to read your book since you told me you’re an author anyway.”

“Whoa, getting your book read by someone you know is really embarrassing,” Jinyoung said, but he was smiling. “Do you like it?”

“I like it so much, it’s great. It’s interesting how you blended the main character’s dreams and reality so well that you never know they were all dreams until it was revealed nearing the end. It’s heartbreaking that all the moments that he was together with his lover were all dreams, emerged from his longing toward his dead lover. It’s so sad.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Jinyoung gazed at the book with a smile tinged with sadness. He hated that look on Jinyoung’s face, it made his heart clenched. He would do anything to erase it.

“Hey, how about we continue the drama we watched before? I’m so curious of what will happen after that.”

Jinyoung looked up and smiled at him, genuine enough he almost sighed in relief.

“Alright, which episode did we left it off?”

 

\--

 

Jaebum slowly woke up, feeling so warm and comfortable he didn’t want to open his eyes, but he sluggishly did anyway. The awareness of his surrounding slowly came to him, until he looked up and realized the source of that warmth.

It’s Jinyoung. He was sleeping while leaning on Jinyoung’s shoulder.

He jolted away in reflex, but then Jinyoung’s head began to slide down from losing its support. He stopped it from falling with his hand and gently move it to his shoulder so the other wouldn’t wake up. He stared at the pitch black tv screen in front of them, which reminded him that they were watching drama earlier. He must’ve fallen asleep in the middle of it, and Jinyoung turned it off and fell asleep too. He gazed at Jinyoung’s sleeping face, beautiful in its tranquility. Nostalgic feeling he couldn’t understand washed over him in little waves. He watched as Jinyoung’s mouth parted, and along with his breath he muttered a word so quietly he almost missed it.

Correction. It wasn’t a word. It was a name. His name.

Jaebum smiled. Why was Jinyoung dreaming about him? Then he remembered the book, and the smile faded. Was that story from his own experience? Although Jinyoung never said it, he understood that they were in a relationship before from how the other treat him, how Yugyeom knew well about Jinyoung, the couple rings, and the unexplainable endearing feeling that swelled his heart when he saw him. Then all those while before they met Jinyoung thought he was dead? How come he didn’t forget him? What had he been going through for the past years? What happened seven years ago that left him in coma for such a long time?

His head was pounding again, he barely bit back his grunt. He took deep breaths until the pain lessened and it eventually vanished. However, the pain in his heart still persisted. Just how much this man was hurting because of him when he was blissfully unaware of it for years? And he still couldn’t even remember a thing from his past. He felt Jinyoung stirred awake, pulling himself away while sleepily rubbing his eyes.

“Sorry, I fell asleep. I didn’t get enough rest last night,” he mumbled.

Jaebum forced a smile. “Why? Are you on a deadline?”

“Something like that,” Jinyoung smiled back at him. He took the other’s hand in his. Jinyoung seemed surprised, but his smile widened. He slumped his head on the backrest, staring at Jaebum with his gentle gaze.

“Jinyoung,” he called out.

“Hm?”

“Don’t you feel disappointed when you see me?”

Jinyoung lifted an eyebrow. “Why should I feel that way?”

Jaebum averted his eyes. “Well, I’m not the Jaebum you’re looking for. I’ve lost all of my memory with you. Even if you tell me about it, or I try to remember it myself, it won’t come back. The me you know of is no longer here. The Jaebum you fall in love with isn’t me.”

Jaebum bit his lower lip. The following silence hanging in the air felt like hours, when it was just a few minutes.

“What do you mean he’s not here?” His hand was lifted up, a pair of soft lips brushed against his skin. He looked up, meeting the tender gaze Jinyoung gave him. “The Jaebum I fall in love with is right in front of me. It doesn’t matter if you lose all your memories, you’re still you.”

“But…,” Jaebum wanted to argue, but was cut off by Jinyoung.

“You don’t remember, but I’m the one who fell for you first. I fell for you at the first sight. Even after that we still didn’t get acquainted for a while, but I still liked you. You didn’t have any feelings for me when we first going out, but I still loved you. I love you just because you are you, there’s no other reason. When I thought I lost you, I lived as if I’m a dead man walking. But the memories of you kept me going forward, and the nights when I met you in my dream gave me strength to live on. In your absence, my love just grew deeper and deeper as I yearned for you. I would give anything to see you again, and God granted my wish. You’re here now.”

“It still feels like a dream even now. I spend many sleepless night, thinking that when I wake up you might be gone again. That’s why it doesn’t matter even if you can’t remember. It’s enough that I remember all of it for us. The only thing that’s matter is you’re here, where I can see you. We can make new memories again, happier than they were before. I only have to work hard on making you fall for me again. Just don’t go anywhere, and stay here with me.”

Jaebum felt tears trickling down his tears at the confession, and he smiled. He leaned closer and lightly pressed his lips against Jinyoung’s. He stared at the stunned eyes, Jinyoung’s mouth kept opened only to closed again like a goldfish, and he chuckled.

“You don’t need to work that hard. I’ve already fallen in love with you anyway.”

Jinyoung’s eyes was brimming with tears, yet the tips of his mouth were hanging from ear to ear, folding wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. He took of the necklace he was wearing, letting the ring slid off of the chain on his hand. He took Jaebum’s hand and put the ring on Jaebum’s finger. He lifted his hand up and kissed the back of his hand again, light flashed as it was reflected by the similar ring around Jinyoung’s finger. They kissed again, feeling so complete it was overwhelming.

Jaebum finally understood. The reason of those nostalgic feeling, the reason of those dreams he couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter that he lose his memories. What he didn’t want to lose was him with all those feelings. The him that loved Jinyoung. That was why he was unconsciously holding onto it desperately, although he didn’t remember any of it.

That alone was enough. As long as he loved Jinyoung, it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it really ends. Thanks for keep going with this story! Wanna write longer but I'm in a hurry so sorry but really, thanks. Love you all :))

**Author's Note:**

> Forgot to mention for months that the concept of this work was inspired by a Korean drama called Another Oh Haeyoung. Probably the best romance comedy drama I've ever watched :D Thanks for reading, leaving kudos and comments! I really appreciate it :))


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